A lot of people talk about how all of the famous boy bands or current pop stars were “created” or “assembled” by slick, greasy hair managers looking to make a few more bucks to feed their struggling heroine addictions. Okay, well maybe I’m the only one to hear about the heroine, but regardless, the fans are skeptical. They ask, “Where are the days when people like James Taylor, Livingston Taylor and Taylor Hanson all started with some real musical talent and then worked their own way to the top?” Then they ask questions like, “If a train leaves Boston at 3:00pm and arrives in Washington at 7:00pm…” but I usually stop listening after they say 7:00, because come on, no train is making that run in 4 hours. And yet their questions are good ones. Well Question Mark, I’m gonna use you now… why couldn’t I construct a pop icon myself? If it’s so easy, why not? If I love pop music so much, then why don’t I marry it?
My pop star will have to have a great name, oh, and a gender… I’ll go with female. Her name has to be wholesome, but no so wholesome that she’s too innocent for teenage boys to want her picture on their wall or Palm Pilot. Something like Melanie Starr or even more understated like Wholesome Girl… maybe just Girl. Once she has a name, we’re almost done. Now we need to decide what her image is, her PR spin. She can’t be too sassy because the press will hate her, but she’s gotta have at least a little spunk. The spunk formula works like this:
[SASS – MALEVOLENCE + (CHARACTER / PERSONALITY)] x NOSE JOB = SPUNK!
She needs to have some message too. You can’t go with, “I’m a virgin,” because then everyone’s like, “She’s a slut.” But if she’s like, “I’m a slut,” people are like, she’s so fake. So our star will have to be all, “I’m a virgin slut.”
Songs can be constructed using the following words and various pronouns and articles: you, mine, love, heart, forever, stay, Janet Reno (the kids love Janet Reno). Thus, you get titles like, “You’re Mine Forever,” “Stay in My Heart,” and “Janet Reno is a Virgin Slut.” As far as musical talent goes, she will have to go to hours and hours of rehearsal every day. In fact we are going to need to make the day 38 hours long to accommodate her schedule. I think we can get this change in order, we’re tight with Janet Reno… she’s gotta still have some pull. We’ll get the finest dance coaches from Soul Train and KIDS Incorporated. We could even start a rival group to “The Mickey Mouse Club” that could act as a prep ground for more new stars. We can call it “The Other Mickey Mouse Club of Virgin Sluts.” Take all of this, add MTV, a couple racy photo shoots, a congressional hearing, and nine ladies dancing and you’ve got a star baby! I can see the headlines now, “Spunky Virgin Slut Slays Janet Reno in Freak Funky Dance Accident….SLUT.”
(All rights to everything mentioned in this Thought of the Day are reserved for use by T.J. Monkey’s or its staff members. A written transcript of this Thought of the Day can be purchased for $45, plus $3 shipping and $430 handling.)