Ah, Christmas.
A time of good will and peace. A time when everyone’s in a better mood. A time when we’re just a bit nicer to our fellow man and woman.
At least that’s what I thought until I set foot inside Macy’s.
Who knew that as I walked through a door with a giant Mickey Mouse dressed as Santa Claus keeping vigil that I would enter a William Golding novel?
Of course, I’ve only read one Golding novel, “Lord of the Flies”, so I may not be correct in generalizing. In fact, other than “Lord of the Flies” I don’t think I could name you another book that guy has written. But nonetheless Macy’s was a lot like that one, so there you go…
It was as if all civility flew out the window. You could tell that you were in the middle of a struggle to hold on to all things society holds dear, and society was getting the crap kicked out of it.
People in the Sporting Goods section were using ski poles like cattle prods to clear paths for pregnant women pushing strollers. Of course, the pregnant women didn’t really need help because they were all brandishing leather belts like whips, lashing anyone who stood between them and the cafeteria. I tried to hide under a table covered in Christmas ties, but no one could escape the mass of inhumanity that Macy’s contained.
As I planned my exodus out of the Hell on Earth that frantic Christmas shoppers gone bad had created, I noticed two women fighting over the last mistletoe patterned bra in the lingerie department. This was all out war. They were biting and hair pulling and eye gouging and ripping and tearing…
What did I do?
Grabbed some popcorn from the snack shop and pushed my way to a spot nearby from which to watch the melee.
You can’t buy that kind of entertainment. Well, I guess you can, but I’m poor and Cinemax is expensive…