Well, boys & girls, as the holiday season gets into full swing and we approach that magical time of year where we all dream about going home for Christmas even if only in our dreams just as is said in that song – “Jingle Bells” – we must now remember just what Christmas means.
Ever since the some Dutch guy started putting presents in shoes and hundreds of happy Dutch kids woke up, raced down stairs, put on their shoes, and realized they had just stepped in day old fruitcake, people have asked the question of the meaning of Christmas. Specifically, they have said, “What’s up with this Christmas thing?” Well, except for the Jews who have said, “What’s up with this Hanukkah thing?” Luckily for the Jews, that question was answered by Pat Morita and Alan Thicke in Lambchop’s Hanukkah Special. Unfortunately, until Lambchop does a Christmas special, us Christians will have to continue to wonder perhaps for all time.
Traditionally, Christmas was regarded as a massive deception by Joseph and Mary towards their son Jesus. “Yes, Jesus,” they’d say, “You were born on Christmas day, so we only have to get you one set of presents.” Then, Jesus would say, “But I was born in June.” And then Joseph would laugh and beat him senseless with a two-by-four. After a while, however, Jesus didn’t care because he just kept getting sandals and he really only needed one or two pairs. “Oh look,” he would say when opening gifts form the Apostles, “More sandals.” Luckily, Jesus was used to getting bad gifts for Christmas – he already had more myrrh than anyone his age was ever going to go through in a lifetime.
So, the centuries passed and people still asked about the meaning of Christmas. Throughout the world, different cultures developed different Christmas traditions. In England, they wrap gifts in a cracker that explodes when you pull it apart and destroys whatever gift is inside it. They also make a Christmas pudding in which they bake various prizes upon which Grandpa can choke and die. In Germany, they often gather in a large group in the village square, sing songs, exchange gifts, eat a big meal, and then invade France. This tradition has waned of late and very few people participate. Luckily, the French have become less resistant to invasion and now a plane full of tourists is often seen to invade France in order to avoid customs. “Oh damn,” the French will say, “We’ve been invaded again.” Perhaps for Christmas someone will give France a GODAMNED BACKBONE SO EVERY STUPID KRAUT WITH A SHOTGUN AND A SPORT-UTILITY VEHICLE CAN’T BLITZKRIEG THEIR ASSES AND TAKE OVER EVERY TEN YEARS FORCING AMERICA TO SAY, “OH SHIT, HERE WE GO AGAIN,” AND DRAG THE ARMY ACROSS THE ATLANTIC TO BAIL OUT THE FROGS AGAIN AND . . . . Sorry, brief France rant there.
Anyway, it’s important that whatever tradition we celebrate – Christmas, Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, Elephant Day, Boxing Day, One Day Only Super Bargains at Hanes Furniture, Arbor Day, Sandra Day, Susan Dey, or any other day – we remember what’s truly important. We must never forget that as we gather all our relatives around us they will all soon be leaving and we won’t have to see them again for a whole year. We must also remember that real Egg Nog should have alcohol in it and it’s important not to lose sight of that fact. And we should remember that you are not legally obligated to eat fruitcake – merely to give it as a gift. Never forget all of these things – and remember, when you look up into the Christmas sky and see the Christmas star shining above you (or possibly it’s the Mir space station smashing into Australia), that centuries ago, under the light of that very star, Jesus was getting more sandals.
God bless us every one.