Monday
Movie Review: J. Lo Is Total Package In “Mail”
by Nupe
Well, folks, another Jennifer Lopez smash is hitting theater’s this week, and our favorite Latina simply doesn’t fail to deliver…literally. In “The Mail Is Late,” J. Lo and David Duchovny heat it up on the silver screen as sharp-tongued postal worker Margarita (Lopez) and investment banker Mark (Duchovny) find that next day service doesn’t just apply to mail, it also applies to love. In this constantly surprising and uproariously funny romantic comedy, you won’t find yourself with insufficient postage, just insufficient air…from laughing too hard! I’d tell you to rush out and see this movie this weekend, but sadly it doesn’t exist. Still, four stars!
Tuesday
Internet Is Useful
by Nupe
Sources close to people who use computers have discovered that the Internet is useful. Bush press secretary Jocelyn Prescott reported Thursday that the Internet is “full of interesting news, shopping, sports and research sources.” The use of the Internet and computers in general is expected to increase due to the increased power of the “information superhighway.” President Bush has pledged to lead the effort of increased traffic on the “World Wide Web” by “typing sometimes and maybe visiting Amazon.com.”
Wednesday
Rain Messes up Hair
by Nupe
Yesterday’s light drizzle and generally humid climate wreaked havoc on Long Island’s streets as tens of frantic women toiled uselessly to combat what can only be referred to as “high frizz.” “It was awful I tell you, just awful,” remarked Valley Stream resident Frieda Goldberg, “Nothing was keeping this terrible hair down.” The National Guard responded with Aquanet and bagels.
Thursday
Movie Review Riddled With Plays On Words
by Porter
A recent movie review of the Jennifer Lopez vehicle “The Mail Is Late” in T.J. Monkey’s Comedy Extravaganza used a full three plays on words in a single paragraph. “Really I just thought it added to the fun of the review. You know, playful little mail metaphors, since it’s a movie about mail and all,” said guilty columnist Nupe Mehta. “I guess I just got in over my head.” Mehta opened the article with an oft-used mail wordplay stating the movie “doesn’t fail to deliver,” and then belabored the point by adding an elipsis and the word “literally.” “He might as well just slap the reader in the face,” commented Mehta’s editor Porter Mason. “The movie’s about mail, and he said the ‘deliver’ thing. Fine. But dot dot dot ‘literally’? Good God.” Added Mason, “Sadly, I have no way to stop this kind of misuse of literary devices just being his editor and all.” Mehta then added an attempted heartfelt play on the term “next day service” that ended up sounding more sexual than intended. “Oh,” said a shocked Mehta. “I didn’t even think about it like that. Jesus.” Mehta then fumbled through an awkwardly worded “insufficient postage” comment, and sadly, another elipsis. “This sick obsession he has with elipses is really beginning to scare me,” remarked Mason. “But again, as an editor, I’m helpless to stop him.” The article then thankfully ended, but the damage was done. “I guess I’ll just watch out for that stuff. My next review is about a chef movie.” said Mehta. “So I’ll just maybe call the movie ‘delicious’ at the beginning and then stop. Or maybe I’ll say ‘the movie was delicious…deliciously funny!’ Yeah, that’s good.” “(sigh),” sighed Mason. “Here we go.”
Friday
Layoffs Hazardous to Health
by Nupe
In the wake of the recent economic downturn, major corporations are scaling back on expensive labor costs by initiating firm-wide restructurings. Former employees are experiencing major health effects of these cuts due to new, more violent corporate firing policies. Examples include the “pink-slip/punch-in-the-face,” the “two week notice/disease infection,” and the “performance-review/lawsuit-for-harassment.” Janice Pilkington director of Human Resources for Goldman Sachs responds to allegations of abuse by stating, “It’s not that we don’t like these folks, it’s just that we want to give them something they’ll remember us by.”