The very first games were actually not played on boards but in large public showcases, where people would come from far and wide to see how their peers would handle these game situations and what “prizes” they might win. For example, the Sumerian people around 2000 B.C., soon after inventing the wheel, realized that they could divide the wheel up into various sections, assigning each section with a different “prize,” such as a car or a virgin or $2500. By spinning this giant wheel they would then have to spell out famous Sumerian phrases to win prizes, such as “Good Morning Mesopotamia” and “Fuck the Code of Hammarabi.”
The Romans around 100 B.C. developed a number of games, none of which survived the eventual split of the Empire. The only surviving evidence is a scrap of paper that reads “Brutus, in the temple, with the dagger…wassup now bitch?”
After that the Mayan people around 328 A.D. realized that they could hollow out the circle and try to pass other objects through it in an arena setting known as “Mayan B-Ball Ghetto Jam.” Such superstars as Ahau “The Dream” Kan Mai and Chacs “Diesel” dominated the game and were a large reason for teams sprouting up in such metropolises as Cop·n (Honduras), Tik·l (Guatemala), and Palenque (Mexico).
But it was the Chinese who finally got these life-sized games down into convenient home sizes. They figured out that a series of small pegs arranged over a board with previously cut holes in it could resemble an ocean in which ships could be placed. These ships could then be strategically bombed with nuclear weapons that they were hiding for a number of years from the Americans. Declarations of defeat were simple enough, “A-3; I sunk your Junk.”
Others such as Hitler, Stalin, and Robespierre all invented a little known game called “Kill all the people who are different from or dissent against you.” It didn’t really catch on.
The Mongols tried their hand at the gaming world with the ever-popular PokeKhan, which was a big fad until the BBQ over there caught on and distracted everyone.
Like every great invention it took the Americans to finally master it. Such amazing feats of science such as “Ghostbusters: the Board Game” and “Mousetrap” set new standards in fun time engineering, only to be topped by the more interactive “Laser Tag” years later. Sexuality abounded with the advent of “Twister”, only to be eclipsed in the early 90’s by “Jenna Jamison’s Porn Star Dream House Orgy.” Oh the fun which has ensued from the advent of the board game, who knows where they will take us next. Maybe to a magical land made of candy, maybe to a place where you can only move on ladders or “chutes,” or maybe just perhaps to the confines of our basements to enjoy the company of good friends, good cookies, and made-up definitions of words so big that they are only found on Dawson’s Creek. Merry board games to all, and to all a good night.