I arrived in my building this morning to find myself confronted by the intimidating sight of a bank of elevators. I paused – noting the 6 sets of firmly closed doors. This would take some doing.
It was a battle to the death – six against one! – and all I had were my wits and my fingers. I flexed my index finger gingerly and went over to the “Up” button. I breathed out a relaxing breath and stabbed the button fiercely. I whirled around but the doors stayed ever-so mockingly sealed.
The “Up” button was lit, though. I had a chance!
I waited patiently, yet on edge. And then SHE came. She was short, pasty, and had the kind of legs that make you want to get down on your knees and thank God there were people with better legs out there. She sized me up through her Coke-bottle glasses and took in the situation. She then crossed the distance between us and took her own shot with the button.
Damn! I knew it! I had somehow done something wrong when I pressed it. And much as she must have guessed, there I stood waiting, hoping desperately against hope that someone would come along who knew what to do. As she pressed that button as only she could we both looked around, but once again the doors taunted us by staying closed.
Hope did not desert me though. I knew my pasty vixen must have had some trick up her sleeve… but it was not to be so. Suddenly, he came around the corner. The smoothest operator I had seen yet. Tall, dark, confident, and wearing a nice tie, he sauntered past the two of us and sized us up with one glance. I could read it in his eyes: “Look at these two pathetic excuses for humanity. Like they know how to summon an elevator. So here they stand, sadly waiting for someone with the skills, the daring, the sheer panache needed to get to the upper floors. They’re waiting for me.”
Briefcase in hand, he showed no fear and hesitation as he strode to the “Up” button that glowed brightly in its arrogance. He punched it with a long finger – not once, not twice, not even three times, but fifteen times with a precise staccato tap the likes of which few have seen on this earth. The will of those elevators was sapped by the onslaught of button-pressing skill and, with a defeated “Bing” sound, a set of doors opened on demand and following this knight of elevator genius my erstwhile companion and myself shuffled humbly into the elevator.
But our terror was not to end there. We each selected a floor and stood for a moment when suddenly we realized… the doors were not closing. I glanced at the woman and our eyes met briefly as we shared an unspoken thought. Then, as one, we turned our gazes upon our savior and waited.
This was going to get worse before it got better….