Frederick Hallison was good at his job, and his job was good at him. If that makes sense, more power to ya. Fred worked at a small fast food place on the Lower East Side of Manhattan called “Fries and Lies”. It was a french fry joint that had a legal theme: you’d get an order of chili fries and then the cashier would lie and say that under Florida Statute #949567, you were breaking the law and could potentially spend 17 years in prison. Fries and lies. Get it? Get it? Well… it was a rather abstract fast food place, but this fit Frederick well because he looked like a cubist painting, his eye was below his nose and when he turned sideways, you could still see all of his face.
Not really. That would be a great sort of thing, though, to have a character in a story who looked like a cubist painting and then you could describe him and there’d be this big build-up and then at the end you’d say, “He was a rather abstract guy.” Hee hee. I mean, that’s a great bit, I think. Someone should really use it, you know, write it in some story or something. Anyhow.
Fred came in to his job on this particular Thursday morning that we will now talk about just as on any other morning. He took the D train downtown, got off at the stop near “Fries and Lies”, and walked the five blocks to the store. He bought his usually almond muffin and coffee at the usual convenience store (which was located right next to “Fries and Lies”, very convenient), and arrived 4 minutes late (at 9:04 am). Just like always.
He went behind the counter and got out his keys for the cleaning closet. He opened the closet and got out the mop and bucket and began to swipe the floors behind the counter. That was his area to clean, Larry had the area by the table. I wonder if Larry’s come in yet, it’s already 9:08, he’s- Hey Fred. Hey, Larry. Larry threw his stuff in the back and, seeing that Fred already had the mop, started up register 1 and thought about what he had to do today. He thought and thought. Larry liked to think.
Suddenly, Larry made a bold literary move and became the protagonist of the story! Fred tried to stop him but Larry pushed him over the bucket and Fred fell into a subplot.
Larry decided to wash his hands before he got out the big bags of frozen fries and started fries. He walked over to the employee bathroom, and turned on the faucet. He squirted soap on his hands and worked up a good lather. He looked up at the mirror, scrunched his eyes and turned his head to get a better look at the right side of his hair. He started to turn his head back down to his hands when he snapped back up suddenly. There it was. On the left side of the mirror, the sign that had been there for eons (not really, that’s hyperbole, but for as long as Larry could remember, which was about 4 weeks), it read:
Employees Must Wash Hands Before Handling Food
But then…. on the right of the mirror…. something Larry had never seen before…. another sign… and it read:
Employees Must Cleanse Soul Before Handling Food
“Cleanse soul”? What did that- and before the thought finished forming in his underused brain, he was grabbed by the shoulders and turned around. It was God.
God had overalls on and a tattered green John Deere hat. A cigarette dangled from his mouth as he looked Larry up and down, sizing up his life and accomplishments.
“When’s the last time you had this thing cleaned?” said God.
“Wh-… what thing?” said Larry.
“Your soul, your soul for Chrissakes. Jesus, didn’t you read the sign?” said God.
“Yeah, I-, I dunno, I don’t think I ever really- I dunno.” said Larry.
“Yeah, I figured. Well sir, looks like she’s pretty much done fer. I reckon…. well, we just better scrap it and put you in a new one…” said God.
“A new one?” said Larry.
“Yup, meanin’ I’s gonna keel ya, and then you’ll wake up and you’ll be in somebody else then.” said God.
“But tha’s reicarnition or… right?” said Larry. “Lord boy, what’d ya think? I’s jus’ gonna putcha in Heaven like this? Some idgit who works at the ‘Fries and Lies’? Hell… most people go through 4-5 souls ‘fore they getta retire for good.” said God.
“I thought reincarnation was strictly Hindus.” said Larry, who often read The Upanisads during breaks.
“Good God, you people are all mixed around down there. Look, I don’t have time to explain; now, hold still…” said God, as he grabbed Larry’s nose and then smacked his hand off it a la Three Stooges. “Ow,” said Larry, and the next thing he knew he was a baby being born outside of Poughkipsie. Larry cried. He cried some more because he found out he was being named Eugene this time around. He went on to go through three more souls.
God went on to… being God and One with All Things. He also took up the piccolo.
Meanwhile, in the subplot, Fred left the “Fries and Lies” and unwitingly became involved in a bank robbery. He saved 30 people from a crazed gunman and fell in love with the bank teller. They went on to get married and start their own import/export business. Sometimes subplots develop like that, more expansively perhaps in some ways than main plots. C’est la vie.