People tell me, “Porter, you’re a good-looking guy. How do you keep yourself so slim and trim?” Well, it’s quite simple really.
You see, I have what is known in the fitness “biz” as “a kickin’ metabolism.” That’s right: my body burns up food like it was lighter fluid. Fatty things just don’t affect me. I mean, I can seriously just eat an entire Fudgie the Whale ice cream cake, and not put on a pound. I just have the right body chemistry, you know? I just… I’m lucky! Ha, right?
Some people have it and some don’t, and I, uh, I have it. I have that uncanny, undefinable ability to just eat what I want, and not put on weight. I have nature on my side. I have genetics working for me. I have all the cells in body working overtime to make sure that whatever shit I guzzle down at dinner, none of it will show up on my thighs, butt, or belly.
So, “Why am I so fit?” Well, I guess I just have the right DNA. Heh heh, and that’s my secret.
Oh, and also I induce vomiting after every meal.
P.S. Just to be absolutely clear, Porter is not remotely thin, nor is he bulimic. No, friend, this entire Thought was… an illusion!