Listen up all you old wives! Gather ’round all you village elders! Lend me your ears all you phrase-coiners! I submit a test, developed through intense T.J. Monkey’s research. It began with a Thought by Flynn about his pessimism. He concluded by saying that, for him, “My glass isn’t half-empty. It’s half-full. Of poisonous beetles.” Zing! Way to turn that old saying on its head, Flynner! Advantage: you.
So what about other sayings? Are they affected by adding in the words “poisonous beetles”? How do they fare in what I like to call “The Poisonous Beetle Test”? Let’s find out!
- “A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush full of poisonous beetles.”
Ha! Not really. The two birds in a bush full of poisonous beetles are probably dead from all the beetle bites they would no doubt suffer. So really, a bird in the hand is always worth more than (not the same as) two birds in the beetle bush. Hell, a bird in the hand is greater than infinite beetle bush birds, since they’ll just always die. Beetle bush birds be big time bad news, baby. - “A stitch in time saves nine poisonous beetles.”
Well, this may be true, but… why are we saving poisonous beetles here? I say let’s leave time unstitched, and keep the poisonous beetle population down. So: waste time… or risk herds of grazing cattle and oxen swelling up and dying (if the poisonous beetles in question are the mythical buprestis beetles). - “Fish or cut bait or eat poisonous beetles.”
Those other two options sound pretty good now, right? Fishing or bait-cutting both look fine by me now! - “Absence makes the heart grow fonder of poisonous beetles.”
I doubt it! The only way I could see this making sense is if it implies that after a prolonged absence from any dealings with poisonous beetles, you might forget how terrible they are. Let’s say after many, many, many beetle-free days, you might, for a brief moment, think, “Ah, you know, people are always belly-aching about poisonous beetles, but really, are they so bad?” And right at that moment one will drop onto your nose — PLOP! — and cause one- to two- inch blisters filled with clear, oozing liquid (if the beetle in question is a oxycopis mcdonaldi). You’ll immediately retract your statement. Right after the retraction, you will seek medical attention. - “Do unto others as you would have poisonous beetles do unto you.”
Well, OK, I would like poisonous beetles to do nothing unto me. So I guess this now means: do nothing for anyone. Fair enough. I actually like this new version. - “Don’t count your chickens before they’ve hatched into poisonous beetles.”
Gah! Chicken eggs filled with poisonous beetles! (Perhaps assassin beetles from Belize!) The new lesson here: just throw out all eggs (or any closed containers, really), as they may be filled with beetles. Gross! - “The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step into a vat of poisonous beetles.”
So: lay off those long trips, people. - “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks involving poisonous beetles.”
Jesus, people, don’t teach old or new dogs any tricks involving poisonous beetles! I mean, for God’s sake, they can probably learn the same tricks using regular beetles. Now maybe you want them to be poisonous because the added danger is exciting for the kids, and you’re trying to attract a younger audience to your dog trick show. Fine, but at least then rehearse with regular beetles and don’t use the actual poisonous ones until the day of the performance. Also, keep spare dogs handy backstage, in case of emergency. And project your voice! They need to hear you in the back, too! - “Never look a gift horse in the mouth. Oh, and hey, look out! Poisonous beetles behind you!”
Yow! Thanks for the warning! And the free horse!
Well, there you have it. Poisonous beetles change everything. Usually for the worse. I have clearly proven that fact. Come to the think of it, I don’t know that anyone was ever really disputing it. I tell you what, though, boy, it’s for damn sure no one’ll be trying now! Ha! And it’s all thanks to Flynn, who, sadly, passed away after drinking his half-filled glass of poisonous beetles. Advantage: beetles. (Specifically: Paederus crebinpunctatis.)