“What do you guys wanna do tonight?” is an oft asked question around where I live. And more often than not, my answer is this:
I’d like to go to a bar. Or better yet, I’d like to wait in a line to get into a bar. I’d like to stand in line for hours waiting to get inside a bar. I’d like to be able to see and hear inside the bar from where I’m standing. I’d like to see what’s going on in the bar and see that it’s just more people standing. But standing in the bar. I’d like to stand a while so I can stand somewhere else. I am a better person if I get to stand inside that bar.
I’d like to go to a bar so I can pay a lot for the the same beer I can buy in a store across the street. Now, don’t misunderstand me, I understand that part of what you pay for when at a bar is atmosphere, that you pay extra for each drink because of all the perks of bar atmosphere. But I wanna pay a lot more than that. I wanna pay so much for each beer that a real thought that enters my head will be, “Gee, should I have another beer, or should I buy food next week?”
I want to carefully select the bar I do go to based on the clientele who frequent it. I don’t want to go to some bar that doesn’t have a lot of really atractive, cool-looking people at it. I don’t want to interact with these attractive, cool-looking people, but I want them there all the same. Their black clothing and pretention makes me feel safe and warm like a big fuzzy blanket. I wanna make sure there are lots of attractive people at the bar I go to, that it’s popular, that tons of attractive people will constantly be there. Again, I’ll only talk to the people I came with though.
On that note, I also want music to be playing in the bar. Loudly. Very loudly. I want the music playing so loudly that I have to scream at the top of my lungs directly into a person’s ear to be heard. This will make me economize my thoughts and words. I’ll only talk when it’s really necessary because I’ll get tired of screaming all the damn time. I won’t be able to have a conversation. Most of what I say will be limited to commenting on attractive people around us (while making sure the attractive people don’t notice we’re doing so) and the bathroom. Oh, we’ll talk a lot about the bathroom. “Where’s the bathroom?” “I’m gonna hit the bathroom.” “Hold this I’m going to the bathroom.” “The bathroom’s down there and to the right.” And so on and so on all through the night.
And I don’t want to really like the music. I want the music to be lots of songs I’ve heard a million times before, that everyone’s heard a million times before. But when a song starts playing, I want many people, including me, to comment, “Haven’t heard this one in a while.” Sometimes this will be sarcastic, sometimes we’ll mean it. It depends on the song. If I know the song at all, I will sing along to it. Even if I don’t like the song. This will be a very entertaining portion of the night for me. My great hope is that possibly an attractive person will hear my singing, take me aside, and make out with me. This rarely happens and by rarely I mean it happened once in a movie I saw maybe.
I don’t want there to be a lot of space in this bar. Because if there is any space, it should be filled up by attractive people that I won’t talk to. I should be extremely cramped and unable to move. I should be forced to stand in an odd area like up against a wall because that’s the only place there is to stand at all. I should thank heaven and the Lord above if a table opens up or I’m standing in the right place when a seat at the bar opens up. This is much better because that way, I’m not standing around awkwardly in a cramped space yelling into my friend’s ear that I have to go to the bathroom, I’m sitting in a cramped space yelling into my friend’s ear that I have to go to the bathroom. Unless there’s only one seat, and then I’m sitting awkwardly talking to no one. But I’m sitting.
Eventually, I’ll want to leave the bar, but only because it’s closing soon, or there are rumors that there are better bars with less space, more expensive drinks, and more attractive people who won’t talk to me. I’ll settle up my enormous tab, probably by taking out several high-interest loans, and then, after paying way more for each drink than I would in real life, I pay even more to “tip” the bartender. Perhaps I’ll stop and think, “But I’m paying a lot more anyway, because of the ‘atmosphere’ here. Why should I have to pay more to the bartender, who wasn’t particularly nice to me? Why should I pay more for being ignored when I went to get a drink? Why should a tip this person who very often only poured beer into a glass for me, something I easily could’ve done myself.” But I don’t think about this for too long because I have to hurry up and pay the insane amount of money I owe.
The next day, I’d like to talk about the place with both the friends I went with and other friends and note that it was a “pretty sweet bar” and make comments about the attractiveness of the clientele I didn’t talk to. I’ll remark we should go back there soon. People will agree. Then I’ll go poke myself in the eye for three hours trying to figure out how I can pay for all this crap. What do I want to do tonight?
Well, we could stay in our apartment, hang out and talk with each other here, where we can pay next to nothing for booze and we can listen to the music we like, at a normal volume, without being cramped. We can even put up pictures of attractive people around the apartment, if that will make people feel better. The pictures won’t talk to us either.
Or we can go out and do it again.
Or better yet, why don’t you guys go out and do that again. I’ll just stay here.
And continue poking myself in the eye.