On Baby Names

If you’re like me, and I’m sure that you are, you’re constantly thinking up names for your unborn children…you’re also constantly thinking up looks for your unknown wife, but that’s outside the scope of this Thought.

Naming your kids is tough. Of my 11 illegitimate children scattered throughout the continental United States (I have 11 more in Alaska and Hawaii and 37 in Guam…don’t ask…), I didn’t name a single one. Every time I came up with a name, I’d think of someone I knew with that name. Often, this led me to think “oh, man, I can’t name my kid after that loser” or “but if I name my kid Mark, my other brother Brian will be pissed” or “what the hell’s a Porter?” Needless to say, I hit many walls pursuing this course of naming. Then, while e-mailing with a friend, we hit upon a brilliant resource for baby names: types of liquor.

Stay with me here.

There are a number of powerful and manly names, as well as some delicate and feminine names, to be found behind your favorite bar. Beyond that, if you’re anything like me, and we’ve already established that you are (see opening sentence), you get around the whole problem of comparing these names to other people you know because after drinking you don’t remember ANYTHING. No memories = nothing to compare to.

So here are some names that my friend, who we’ll call Andrew Brent, and I came up with. For the sake of completeness I will use the last name “Brent” in all the names.

For boys:

Johnny Walker Brent. Clearly this kid is the life of the party. This name offers the extra benefit of built in nicknames, e.g. “Blue Label” and “Black Label.”

Jim Beam Brent – I didn’t love this one. Reminds me of Sun Beam Bread, which had a little girl on the wrapper. Nobody wants their son’s name to remind people of a little girl. Leads to playground beatdowns.

Jack Daniel(s) Brent. A “built Ford tough” kind of name. No one’s messing with Jack Daniel Brent. They might mess with Jack Daniels Brent because that “s” sounds sort of silly on the end of the middle name, but, hey, it’s worked for the Tennessee Sour Mash, so I’m not sure you can argue against it.

Jose Cuervo Brent. This works especially well if you marry a Mexican woman and want to give a little shoutout to her culture. Of course, no night involving tequila ever ends well, and I think this liquor tastes like feet. Obviously, this name’s a toss up.

Captain Morgan Brent. Talk about a commanding name. I mean, your kid’s already destined for military success. His name is Captain for Pete’s sake!

Now you’re thinking, “but, Scott, what about some girls’ names?” Ask and ye shall receive, my friends:

Peppermint Schnapps Brent. Given, your daughter will likely end up a stripper if this is her name, but everybody loves Peppermint Schnapps, especially in the winter time. With hot chocolate. Um, I’m not sure where I’m going with this one.

Stoli Vanilla Brent. Classy. Feminine. What everyone wants their daughter to be. That and chaste til she’s forty. At least that’s what I want my daughter to be.

Bacardi Limon Brent. Sweet with a bit of sour. This one will grow up sassy, and don’t you forget it.

Wild Turkey Brent. I don’t know. This “for girls” part of the Thought is hard.

Finally, there is but one name that trumps all others. This name could be used for a boy or girl, and whoever dons it will tower above all others in taste, classic beauty and advertising campaigns. It is, of course:

ABSOLUT BRENT.

‘Nuff said.

It’s possible I spend too much time at bars…

Did you like this Thought? Sure did. No, I did not.