Jill, I can’t help but notice that you’ve been giving me the silent treatment all day today. Well, frankly it’s been puzzling me because I can’t think of a single good reason why you would be so angry with me. It just doesn’t make sense. So I really searched my mind as to what could be making you act this way.
Well, I couldn’t come up with a very good reason, but the closest thing I could think of was that you were angry about our little tiff yesterday. I falsely accused you of having cheated on me, and then I called you a whore and then I threw the vase that your mother gave you across the room, shattering it against the wall. And then I peed in your shoes.
Is that why you’re angry with me? I don’t know. But if it is, there’s something that you need to realize. That was me yesterday.
That’s not the man standing before you now. That was me yesterday. I hate that guy too. But can’t you see that a lot has changed since then? The earth has revolved completely around its axis. I laid down in my bed last night and the next thing I knew I was feeling different. I had no recollection of what had taken place in the last 8.5 hrs. But suddenly out of nowhere I felt a lot more rested and the ache I was feeling in my legs had disappeared. Also my hair was messed up. That kind of experience changes a man.
So, for you to judge me based on what I did yesterday seems harsh. Really harsh.
If you’re gonna judge me based on yesterday’s actions, why not break up with me for other reasons? For instance, the way I crap my pants all the time. Because the man that I was yesterday is as similar to the man you see now as the pants crapping infant that I also used to be. Ga ga goo goo. I want my mommy. Does that make you happy?
I thought this was America, a place where people could better themselves. The first men and women who landed on our nation’s blessed shores had pasts that they didn’t want to remember and they were able to start new lives and start a country. A country! All I want is a little smoochy time before I turn in for the night, but you’re not willing to give me that, are you?
Probably because you’ve already been making out today with Mr. Palopoulos from across the hall! You disgusting slut! How could you break my heart like this! How could you shatter my heart like it was a set of china teacups that had been passed down through your family for five generations!
(SMASH!)
Ahhh! I can’t take this. I just, I can’t do this right now. I… I’m going to bed.
And I’m taking these clogs of yours with me.