I just saw a sign in a Chick-Fil-A, proudly announcing that they are “now offering vegetarian salads.” Which leads me to only one rational conclusion: The universe has officially begun folding over onto itself.
Any decent human being knows that chaos theory combines with the principles of entropy and subatomic particulate physics to prove that our universe is in a permanent and infinite cycle of expansion and implosion. The Big Bang is a useful ‘starting point,’ but it is, in actuality, just another moment in the perpetually-reoccuring life of the universe. The way it works, of course, is that the big bang sends a relatively small number of energy-abundant particles into different directions, which eventually expand into large enough masses to command their own gravitational spheres, which, in turn, act as the centerpoints of countless galaxies, sub-galactical astral clusters and other planetary systems, which, ultimately, spiral out of control and collapse into the unstable mass that sparks the Big Bang. But let’s not waste any more time with review.
The first salads consisted of lettuce and little else. Shortly thereafter, salad composition experienced an influx of sliced tomatoes and carrots. Radio-carbon dating approximates the Red Cabbage Revolution to six or seven centuries ago, followed immediately by the Radish and Scallion Ages. It is believed that salad did not encounter chicken and other meat products until well into the 19th century, possibly after the Lincoln years. However, chicken and taco salads quickly became popular, so much so that salads were, for a short while, not considered to be vegetarian dishes.
The point I’m making is that I have just observed the necessary initial rupture of the space-time continuum that will now send us barreling into universal decomposition and, ultimately, toward the next (but really the first) Big Bang. Salads have regressed to vegetarian entities, and this is only the beginning.
Don’t be surprised when you start to see bits and pieces of inconsistency in Nature–an umbrella that isn’t quite keeping that rain out, a car that just refuses to stay planted on the road, or a house, here or there, that spontaneously combusts–these are now to be expected.
Let me leave you with one small piece of advice: before eating any vegetarian salads, you may want to remove any brown lettuce, mushy tomatoes and/or black holes. Because it’s generally a bad idea to catalyze the self-destruction of the universe.