I’ve stopped drinking.
Alcohol. I’ve stopped drinking alcohol. I still drink water and sometimes juice. And maybe milk… yeah, milk is good too. But alcohol… no thanks, your Siren-like charms are no longer welcome here.
No, I haven’t been gripped by a wave of tee-totalling, religious furor. I want six-pack abs. I want bigger arms. I want toned pecs. In short, I want to spend my life without a shirt on. I want such a good body that I can go to work without a shirt. And my boss would say, “John, you can’t work without a- Damn! Look at those triceps! Oh my God, you could wash clothes on that stomach (if this were the 18th century and the lye in the soap would not burn your flesh horrendously)! Well, I guess we could make an exception for you.” That’s what I want.
But there have been interesting side effects to not drinking. For example, when I go out to bars, I am no longer drunk. Many people would say, “But John, can you have fun at a bar without being drunk?!” I would, of course, reply, “I can’t understand many people at once. Please, one at a time.” Many people would then get together and repeat the question in unison.
The truth of the matter is that the world of bars sans the distorting effects of alcohol is a whole new place. For example, let’s take a look at a brief exchange upon meeting someone at a bar for the first time. In the following exchange, I am played by Morgan Freeman and Person A is played by Anthony Michael-Hall. Now, let’s look at the exchange when I am drunk:
Morgan: Hi. What do you do for a living?
Anthony: I’m a sandwich artist at Subway.
Morgan: (Long silence) Wow. I… wow. That’s amazing. Do you get to work with ham? Because I love ham.
Now, let’s look at the same situation only with me sober:
Morgan: Hi. What do you do for a living?
Anthony: I’m a sandwich artist at Subway.
Morgan: Ok, I’m going to go over here now and pretend to be interested in this ash tray.
You see?! Look at the difference! Because I drink water instead of gin, I am now spared a two hour conversation on the intricacies of sandwich art. A conversation that would take place because since I am drunk and Person A is likely drunk as well, I would be intensely fascinated in sandwiches and Person A would be so slow-witted that he would not ask me about my job even though it is extremely interesting (I am an extra-terrestrial).
And this isn’t the only time-saver! Saturday night I went out and met twice as many new people. Why? Because when sober I do not go up to people and insist they are someone they are not. When drunk, I have frequently spent more than a half hour engaged in the following exchange:
Me: Hey dude, you’re Matt, right? I met you last week.
Not Matt: No, I am not Matt.
Me: No, you totally are. You’re a soccer player.
Not Matt: I’m quadriplegic.
Me: Dude, I swear you’re Matt the soccer player. I know I met you last week.
And so on indefinitely as I insist that this person clearly is not fully aware of who he is.
So, to all you readers out there, I say this: Head out this weekend to your neighborhood watering hole and order a bottle of Volvic and sit back and see the world through a new set of eyes. Forget the Bud Light! And tell your friends! Let’s all get together and not drink and have witty and urbane conversations about literature and politics. The revolution begins here my friends. Take to the streets and (because, I can’t resist it) rage, rage against the buying of the Light!