Private Jenkins reporting for duty, sir!
Yes, sir, I’m looking forward to the big battle coming up. It sounds like it will be pretty tough–all those guns and swords and horses and stuff.
We charge them in the morning? Oh well, yes sir, that’s very exciting. I mean, I suppose I should be a little nervous and all, but, I mean, you know, it’s part of the job, right? I mean, if we came here and didn’t, you know, try to kill people we’d just be sitting in the desert with nothing to do all day. We might as well retire to Arizona. Ha ha! Ah, your grandmother? Well, I’m sure she’s very active, yes sir.
Well, I supppose I should go clean my rifle for- What’s that? You’d like me to carry the flag? I see, sir. So, you mean, I would be running at the cannons and the guns and the men with swords with a… a… flag instead of a… a… gun or a… sword or something? I see. Is the flag pole pointy or something, perhaps?
Well, OK, so I guess that’s OK. I hate to miss the action being at the back and all, but I want to do my–I’ll be where? The front? OK, then. I suppose I can see the value in that. I mean, nothing lifts the men’s spirits like seeing their nation’s flag flying aloft in front of them as they charge. Not sure about the value of seeing that flag splattered with the blood of the guy carrying it about thirty seconds into the battle as I’m mowed down in the first volley muskets, though.
I’m not really a hundred percent sure that God will be too thrilled when He hears my story, either. “Wait, wait, wait,” He’ll say, “You got shot while you were leading a charge into a well-fortified line of enemy soldiers, yes? And at the time of this charge you were completely and utterly unarmed, yes? And, to compound this fact, you were carrying a brightly colored, very large flag that plainly said to the other forces, ‘Let there be no mistake, I am the enemy, shoot me now,’ yes?” And there I’ll be, probably very embarrassed because God will think I’m a total moron.
Orders? Yes, I understand orders, sir. Well, yes sir, I suppose it does help our troops to identify their unit. If the fact that we’re all wearing the same uniforms, charging in the same direction, and shooting the same people isn’t enough, that is.
OK, well, I guess I can take comfort in the fact that you’ll be right thre leading the charge. Oh… back here in the tent. Yes, organizing and supervising–of course, I understand.
Well, I’ll just go talk to Jimmy. He carried the flag in the last battle and he may be able to give me some advice.
Oh.
In the face? Six times?
Crap.