Oh no. Dang it! My worst fear has come to life. Osama Bin Laden just sat down next to me on the train.
Well, I should restate that. I think that the guy who just sat down next to me is Osama Bin Laden. That’s what makes it my worst fear.
I gotta do something! The world’s most wanted criminal is sitting next to me. All I have to do is somehow discreetly alert security personnel and I’ll be responsible for bringing the world’s most dangerous terrorist to justice. I think.
Well, I mean, I’ve never seen Osama Bin Laden in person. I’ve just seen him on a handful of pretty grainy video clips, and I never really paid that close of attention to any really distinguishing facial features. What if he isn’t Osama Bin Laden? What if I call the cops on a dude just because he’s a long-bearded Arab in army fatigues? Awkward-town.
But what if I don’t do anything and on the news tonight they’re saying “Osama Bin Laden left himself completely vulnerable to capture on a Metro North train this afternoon, yet he escaped due to the cowardice of one Bret Ewing Runestad, age 23 of New Canaan, Connecticut.” I mean, I could be the turning point in the war on terror.
But I just know that it’ll turn out to be just some innocent dude and then like a month from now I’ll run into him in the grocery store or something and man oh man oh man that would be sooooo awkward.
Man, what am I gonna do? I gotta figure this out. Is this dude really Osama? Think, Bret, think!
Whoah, wait a second. He’s getting off the train. Well, I guess that makes up my mind for me.
Uh oh. Oops, it looks like he left a package on the train. Well, I don’t mean to pry, but maybe if I just open this up I can figure out whether it was really Osama Bin Laden. Maybe he left some ID in here or something… let’s see, just unzip this here… gotta fold back this flap here… OK, OK, here we go, now what’s this?
Hmmm.
It seems to be a bomb.
(sigh)
Well, this is really awkward.
(KABLOOM!)