“Huh? What’s that? Uh, yeah, Broadway is just a block over that way. Uh huh. Yeah. One block. No problem.”
Confused?
You’ve just gotten a glimpse at what my life is like whenever I walk or hang around in the touristy areas of New York City. I am the champion of getting asked for directions. I am a magnet to the lost. I am a beacon to the traveler who has lost his trail. I am… frustrated.
I don’t have a definite explanation for my appeal to people who are lost. I do have some theories.
- I’m tall. When people throw their hands in the air and look to the sky in desperation they see me. And then they ask me for directions.
- I’m young. I think that there’s a universal sense that young people know where they are. I guess it has to do with the implicit sense of lameness that comes with not knowing where you are. The young folks are just too hip to be lost. Ya dig?
- I’m completely non-threatening. My main theory is that for most visitors to NYC, their number one priority in interacting with strangers is to get through it without being mugged or yelled at. Small children look at me and take on a sudden air of confidence. I would say that the vast majority of women think that they could beat me up. I think a lot of it has to with my glasses. It’s hard to be intimidating when you’re wearing glasses. I think it’s also hard to be really sexy with glasses, but that’s for another thought.
Now I know most of you aren’t jumping to shower me with pity. So people stop me for directions, big deal. Don’t I know that there are children starving in Africa? Yes, I do. Nonetheless, there are two big problems:
- If I’m walking around the city by myself (the times when I’m least threatening!) I am always listening to music. This is an activity that makes it rather difficult for me to be stopped on the street. This doesn’t bother people. I have had hands waved violently in my face. I have been poked. I have been tapped. One time my arm was very firmly grabbed. The collective members of the Wu Tang Clan could be standing on the street handing out maps and someone would tackle me if that’s what it took to get my attention.
- I rarely know how to get to where you want to be. I’m just not that good with directions, and besides the very basic street grid of New York City, I get lost myself. I’m young, but nobody has ever accused me of being hip.
So, you see, it’s just kind of a frustrating thing to be interrupted from my music and my thoughts, only to be reminded that I don’t know where I am. I mean, it’s not the end of the world, but it’s annoying when it happens so often, ya know.
Yeah, it’s nothing compared to starving in Africa. Yeah, I guess I should feel like a big jerk.
And no, I don’t know how to get to the Museum of Natural History.