Racism. It’s terrible, right? Am I right? Who’s with me on this one? I mean, nobody likes to deal with racists.
And it’s silly. I mean, there’s no reason to malign someone based on their racial background. It’s just silly. Totally silly.
So…why don’t we make racism sound as silly as it is? Let’s make all racial slurs be extremely silly, cute, baby-talk-like words.
I mean, if some jerk next to you on the train started saying, “I’ll tell you what the problem is, it’s that all the damn kookle-mee-mees are comin’ in this country and taking all our jobs.” That wouldn’t be so uncomfortaable, right?
Or if you were having a conversation with a coworker, and out of nowhere he said, “Of course, Williams isn’t qualified for the promotion, but he’ll get it because they just want to give it to some lalaloopy-boopy. Damn lalaloopy-boopies are taking over this company if you ask me.” Well, that’s not nearly as offensive, right?
And if you were at a family gathering, and your great uncle started in on his usual speech about how “the pickle-smiley-poos run the whole country! Who runs the banks? Pickle-smiley-poos. Who runs the T.V.? Pickle-smiley-poos. Lawyers?! Doctors?! Pickle-smiley-poos! PICKLE-SMILEY-POOS!!!” Why, I wouldn’t be nearly as quick to change the subject back to his cataracts surgery!
So bring on your hate, racists! I will deflate your words and break your spirit! How fun is it to spray paint “FUCK YOU DINKLE-SMARMY-GOO-KA” on some guy’s car? How pumped will anyone be to hoist a sheet up on the school flagpole that says, “Richard Jeffries is a big fucking shoopy-dimple-ba-ba-soo-soo”? How effective will KKK parades be with signs that read “Go back to Africa foo-foo-poo-poo-sha-la-la-beepy-timble-tumble-tamble-towns”? (And their meetings will last three times as long with all those extra syllables!)
You’re going down, racists. The plan is fool proof. Only one thing stands in my way: I need to make up a bunch of these cute, baby-talk slur words.
So.
Does anyone know any super-intelligent white-supremacist infants?
(sigh) Me neither….