(ROSS IS FACING THE AUDIENCE, BUTTONING A COLLARED SHIRT, GETS HALFWAY DONE, THEN HIS WATCH CATCHES HIS EYE, HE NOTES THE TIME.)
ROSS
Palermo.
(A PAUSE.)
Palermooooooo. Let’s go, man. We’re gonna be late to lunch. (A PAUSE.)
Palermo, I’m ready, man, let’s fuckin’ go here. Jules said eleven o’clock.
(A PAUSE. HE WALKS OVER TO PALERMO’S BEDROOM DOOR.)
Palermo, it’s your girlfriend’s fucking parents, let’s go, asshole. This is no longer cute.
(A PAUSE.)
Palermo? Palermo, you immense piece of SHIT, come ON! I WILL BREAK DOWN THIS DOOR AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS. YOU HEAR ME???
(GLEN ENTERS YAWNING, HEADS TO FRIDGE TO MAKE CEREAL. ROSS LISTENS TO DOOR FOR REACTION.)
GLEN
Hey, man.
ROSS
Pff. (THROWS UP HANDS IN DISGUST AT THE DOOR) Hey, dude.
(A PAUSE. ROSS LEANS AGAINST PALERMO’S DOOR, ANGRY AND DEFLATED. GLEN GETS BOWL, GETS SOME CEREAL. GLEN SLOWLY LOOKS AROUND.)
GLEN
Where’s Palermo?
ROSS
I don’t fucking know: that’s where he fucking is.
GLEN
Aren’t you guys meeting Jules and her parents?
ROSS
Pff. (THROWS HANDS UP) Yeah!
(A PAUSE. GLEN WALKS TO PALERMO’S DOOR WHILE CHEWING. LISTENS TO DOOR.)
GLEN
Palermo?
ROSS
(TO HIMSELF) Palermo.
GLEN
Palermo? Ross is looking for you.
ROSS
Palermo, as of this moment, you’re now fucking dead. I’m tired of watching you fuck over this girl.
GLEN
Palermo? You in there, pal?
ROSS
You don’t see what you HAVE, Palermo! YOU CAN’T SEE WHAT’S RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU!
GLEN
Ross, I don’t think he’s even in there.
ROSS
PALERMO, I WILL RIP OUT YOUR EYES AND EAT SOUP OUT OF YOUR SKULL.
GLEN
Ross.
ROSS
WHAT!?
GLEN
I don’t think he’s even in there, buddy.
(THEY BOTH STARE AT THE DOOR FOR A WHILE. GLEN REACHES OUT, GRABS THE DOORKNOB, TURNS IT, AND PUSHES THE DOOR OPEN. A PAUSE. GLEN STICKS HIS HEAD IN THE ROOM AND LOOKS AROUND. GLEN LEANS BACK, MEETS ROSS’S EYES.)
GLEN
No Palermo.
(A PAUSE.)
ROSS
Pfff. (THROWS UP HANDS) Great! Fabulous!
(A DOORBELL RINGS. THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER, THEN QUICKLY MOVE TO THEIR FRONT DOOR.)
GLEN
Palermo?
ONEIL
It’s Jules.
(ROSS OPENS THE DOOR.)
ROSS
FUCK. Hey, Jules.
ONEIL
Hey. I figured I’d just meet you guys here.
(A PAUSE.)
Where’s Palermo?
(THIS SETS ROSS OFF ANGRILY PACING THE ROOM.)
ROSS
FUCK!
GLEN
He’s, ah, not here.
ONEIL
(DISTRAUGHT) He’s not here?
ROSS
FUCKING… SOUP!
ONEIL
But…we’re going to lunch, my parents, he…he said-
ROSS
IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT HE SAYS! SHIT JUST COMES OUT OF HIS MOUTH! HE’S A FUCKIN’… SHITMOUTH, JULES, A SHIT. MOUTH.
(ONEIL BEGINS BAWLING. GLEN GOES TO THE PHONE AND DIALS.)
ONEIL
Paleeeeermo…w-…w-…
ROSS
SHITMOUTH PALERMO!
GLEN
Palermo?
ONEIL
I TOLD him to be here! He…he…I…
ROSS
If he’s not here in five minutes, I will fucking buy a gun and stab him with it.
GLEN
Palermo, hope you get this message soon, pal. This is Glen. You’re, ah…you’re not here.
ONEIL
Palermo, I just wanted ONE thing, I… I can’t…
ROSS
Pff! (THROWS HANDS UP) Pfffffffff! (THROWS HANDS UP)
GLEN
Look, Jules and Ross are a little upset.
ONEIL
I’ve given my LIFE to you, and then it’s…it’s…Palermooooo….
ROSS
(AS HE BANGS ON THE WALL.) PA-FUCKING-LERMO. PA-FUCKING-FUCK-MO.
GLEN
Anyway, give us a ring, or just…(JOKINGLY) just BE here, OK, pal? OK, I-
(PALERMO WALKS IN THE DOOR.)
PALERMO
Ross, we need to- oh, hey, Jules. OK, are we ready?
(ROSS AND ONEIL FREEZE IN SHOCK.)
GLEN
Palermo?
ROSS
Shitmouth?
ONEIL
(RUNS TO HIM.)
Oh, baby…
GLEN
Where were you, pal?
ONEIL
Where were you, baby? My little baby…
ROSS
Yeah! Yeah, WHERE’VE YOU FUCKING BEEN, SOUP-FUCKER?!
(PALERMO IS CONFUSED BY ALL THE COMMOTION, LOOKS BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN THE THREE OF THEM.)
PALERMO
I was…getting the car…from…the garage.
(A PAUSE.)
ROSS
(DEFLATED) Oh. (DISSAPOINTED WITH HIMSELF) Fuck.
ONEIL
Oh, baby, I love you so much…
PALERMO
Wha-…”Soup-fucker”?
ROSS
Let’s just fucking go.
(EXUENT PALERMO, ROSS, AND ONEIL, ONEIL ATTACHED TO PALERMO, AND PALERMO STILL CONFUSED. GLEN PICKS UP HIS CEREAL, TAKES A BITE, AND SHAKES HIS HEAD.)
GLEN
(sigh) Palermo.
(BLACKOUT)