I had to go into work this past Sunday for a few hours. Of course, I wasn’t happy about it. Working a Monday to Friday job on a Sunday, in addition to being against the Bible (to which I am a strict adherent), is about as depressing as one would imagine. The blue sky and gentle summer breeze made it even worse this particular Sunday. But working when no one else is in the office affords certain privileges, and I wasn’t about to let these pass me by. I was going to take full advantage of my Sunday at work:
10:06 AM – arrive at the office. I sign in for 10:00 AM, six minutes earlier than I actually got there! Let the games begin!
10:09 AM – turn on computer and log into the network. Put on Fountains of Wayne and rock out at nearly half full volume. It probably leaks into the hallway. Good thing there’s no one around to hear it! I turn down the volume a little.
11:22 AM – after making some copies, I switch the paper in tray 1 from 8 ½ x 11 to A4, and I don’t change the description in the copier! Someone is going to make copies on the wrong sized paper tomorrow morning! Oh, momma!
11:56 AM – pass by Kathy’s desk, where there are Hershey’s miniatures in a bowl with a sign that says “Help Yourself (To One!)”. I take three. I hope she doesn’t keep inventory! I throw the wrappers in someone else’s trash can just in case she does.
12:23 PM – take file 61009, assigned to Jeff, and put it on Matt’s desk. Take file 63711-A-PCT, assigned to Matt, and put it on Jeff’s desk. Put a note on Matt’s desk saying “Borrowed your file. Thanks, Alex” Leave their office just as I found it (except for the switched files and the note!). Oh, what havoc have I wrought?
12:31 PM – make copies on the wrong sized paper. Rage about it and look around for something unbreakable to kick. I end up kicking some boxes. They dent. I panic and try to fix the boxes. I realize they are in a garbage pile and rage again. I calm down and have another mini Krackle bar. The wrapper goes into my bag to be disposed of later.
12:48 PM – pee break. I go. In a toilet. In the ladies room. Joke’s on you, ladies! Zing!
1:11 PM – make a wish and a trip to the supply closet. I take six packages of post-it notes and place them directly into my bag. These are for personal use, suckers! I put one back out of fear.
1:27 PM – look at Maxim Online (even the pictures). Check email. Don’t immediately delete my porn junk mail. Yup, those are nearly naked boobies on my screen! And I like them! Delete the mail and erase my internet history.
1:44 PM – make copies on the wrong sized paper again. Rage again. I kick the counter. A mug falls and shatters. I panic and grab the shards, slicing my hand open and getting blood on the floor. I panic further and try to get the bleeding under control. I finally get it to stop with some cotton weave bond paper. I have a Special Dark to reward myself for my bravery. I set the wrapper on fire in a sink. I still got it.
1:59 PM – get the ultimate idea: bare-ass my boss’ chair. I go into his office, loose my nerve, and go back to my own desk.
2:07 PM – creep into my boss’ office again. I think I hear a door close and run back to my desk. Turns out the noise is coming from my computer. I had been listening to a sound effects CD.
2:15 PM – berate myself for not going through with my plan. I finally peer pressure myself into doing it. I sneak back into my boss’ office. I compromise with myself and decide to go ahead and sit on his chair in only my boxers.
2:16 PM – drop trow and sit in my bosses chair, nothing between my butt and his vinyl chair surface but one layer of cotton. A long, loud, cowboy “Yeeeeehaaaaw!” escapes from my lips as I swivel around and around with dizzying glee. I am truly living for the first time Eat it, Mr. Blanco Eat it.
2:17 PM – Peter Tang clears his throat. He has been staring at me for a solid minute. He frowns slightly as I explain that I was very hot since the building didn’t have the air conditioning on during the weekend. He tells me to clean up the mug and the blood on the floor. I tell him to eat it. In my head.
2:41 PM – grab a Mr. Goodbar for the road and sign out for 2:45. That’s four minutes in the future! Screw you very much, sirs! I’m going home to enjoy the rest of my Sunday. See you all tomorrow!
And there you have it. A Sunday made the best of. It’s nice to get those jabs into the establishment once in a while. Makes me feel empowered and revitalized, so I can more readily take their bullcrap. If you want to use my chair idea, go ahead. It’s public domain. And if you need any help with the copy machine, you just let me know. Wink!