A lot has been made on this website of the fact that I am none too smooth with the ladies. Unfortunately, for lovers of pathetic lonely comedy, that’s all about to change. I recently created a fool proof plan that allows me to kiss more girls with little to no negative consequences.
From now on, whenever I see a girl that I find attractive I am simply going to go up and ask her if she will kiss me for one dollar. This will result in one of three consequences.
- She kisses me. Awesome. I get kissed, and that is well worth a dollar. Perfect. Best option.
- She tells me “No, I will not kiss you for a dollar.” This would be pretty awkward if I didn’t then reply “Oh please, that old childish joke? Sheesh! Grow up.” And I will say that! So it won’t be awkward!
- She starts to look like she’s gonna slap me or do anything that I haven’t prepared for in the previous two options. No big problem, I just shoot her with a tranquilizer dart and walk away. What about the witnesses? What about more tranquilizer darts?
So I apologize if you’ve gotten used to my self-depracating pleas for love. Just tap into the thought archives and eat your heart out, there’s plenty there for everyone. As for me, I’m off to buy me some kisses. Or of course shoot people with darts.