Welcome, ladies and gentlemen! Ladies and gentlemen, welcome! Welcome to what will prove to be an historic match between two of time’s most honored heavyweights. Not in three decades have two so storied, so famous, so diametrically opposite adages met in the ring. But now, the world doesn’t have to wait any longer. Postponed by injury, illness, scandal, and politics, this fight may very well go down as the pinnacle of the sport. Two will enter, and two will leave. But only one will leave with any shred of dignity. An age-old debate will be put to rest. No more will the world be denied knowledge of the Truth! So without further ado:
In this corner, sporting plum silk BCBG Max Azria trunks with black velvet piping, standing at six feet two inches, and weighing in at two hundred thirty pounds, The Clothes Make The Man!
And in this corner, wearing cut-off gray sweatpants with the mustard stains, upright at five feet eight inches, and weighing in at one hundred and fifty two pounds, Don’t Judge a Book By It’s Cover!
Now we’ve been hearing that each of these adages is true for years now. We all know this can’t be right. The two are mutually exclusive and will not even share the same water fountain. Their enmity for each other was made painfully obvious at last week’s weigh-in, where Clothes Make made disparaging remarks about Ayn Rand’s We The Living despite having never read the book. Judge Cover retaliated, stepping on Clothes Make’s Bruno Magli shoes, leaving a rather unsightly scuff mark. Analysts have chosen their camps over the years, but tonight, finally, approximately half of them will be proven to be full of it, while the other half will dance about in exultant joy. I can hardly wait, and now we don’t have to.
The two adages have met in the ring. Referee Semantics is explaining the rules. Best of three rounds: KO, TKO, or decision. No kicking, spitting, or grabbing of dangling participles. He orders the hand shake. A reluctant and effeminate first punch by Clothes will suffice in this instance. The climate is icy here, folks. Both boxers have returned to their corners. And the bell! Round One!
Judge Cover comes out in a burst of idealistic energy. His footwork is as amazing as we’ve ever seen it Clothes Make is known to be dangerous at the top of a bout. He splayed out Early To Bed within seven seconds. Judge Cover won’t make it so easy, rest assured. This will be a three rounder, no doubt. A few quick jabs by Judge Cover land a bit short. Clothes connects a staggering body blow, but Judge recovers. And a left-right-left combo from Judge. Oh, he’s tied up against the ropes as Clothes goes to work on his midsection. Don’t let his appearance fool you, this kid can take a hit! Semantics breaks them apart. Judge is circling Clothes with that footwork. Seems like Judge is causeing Clothes to question his choice of velvet for the piping. It’s very loud in here folks, but I do believe I heard something about blood stains on silk. Clothes lunges, Judge ducks, and oh! Clothes lands a hook right on Judge’s jaw! And the bell rings! Both adages to their corners.
Round Two in just a minute folks. Clothes’ team is treating his trunks with Shout. Judge is vomiting in a bucket. Mouthpieces back in, and the bell! Round Two is underway folks, and this time it’s Clothes Make first out of the gate. Big right comes up short. Seems like Clothes misjudged the distance on that one. He had been encouraged to wear his Rec Specs, but refused on image grounds. Could be a costly mistake. Judge takes advantage of a confused Clothes and lands a left-right-left combo. But Clothes quickly retaliates with a monster left in the kidney! Judge is heaving, retreating to the ropes. Clothes corners him. Tie up. Semantics separates them. Words, again folks. This is not a pretty one. I pick up a “more with hair care products than your wife,” and a “can go screw a great personality.” It’s a mess here folks! Semantics steps in again, and the bell! End of Round Two.
Back in their corners, both adages are getting advice from their teams. Clothes is moosing. Judge is reading Aristotle’s Poetics. And the bell! Last round, folks! Both boxers are leaving it all out in the ring this time around, vengeance and fire in their eyes! Judge lands a right! Clothes gets in two sharp jabs, Judge is bleeding. He goes to work the midsection. Clothes is barely breathing! It’s frenzied here, ladies and gentlemen! Never have I seen two adages fighting with such bloodthirsty rage! Clothes goes for a body blow and –OH! Right in the Judge’s jewels! He’s heaving again, folks, doubled over in pain. Judge rips his gloves off. Clothes rips his gloves off! Semantics tries to break them up, but no! They both lay him out flat. Out cold! Oh, my God, folks, it looks like Clothes just pulled what appears to be a piano wire out from his trunks! He’s trying to strangle Judge! I don’t know what Judge could have to fend this off. Doesn’t look like he’ll be able to get out of this one. But wait! What’s that? A pen! From his shoe, Judge takes out a pen from his shoe! I can’t believe it, folks! Clothes has him around the neck. Ooooh! Right in the eye! Judge jabbed the pen right in Clothes’ eye! He’s falling back, the wire tightneing as he falls. Judge is fading, too, now. His throes are getting weaker. Weaker by the moment, ladies and gentlemen. I have never seen anything like this in my twenty years covering adage boxing. The carnage, folks. The sheer carnage. And the bell! Round Three is over!
Well, folks, looks like we have a double KO here. Both adages will score a draw, and it looks like they’ll both live to fight another day. A sensational bout, ladies and gentlemen. No questions were answered, no truths uncloaked. But rest assured, clothes do make the man, and you should never judge a book by it’s cover. Seems, too, that the pen may be mightier than the sword, but of equal might to the piano wire. Goodnight and Godspeed.