Dear Abby,
Paul and I have been dating for 5 months, and everything was going as perfectly as I’ve ever known a relationship to go. But then something happened. We had made plans to go out tonight (a Friday in April as I write this), and he showed up 3 minutes early, as usual. He usually likes to rough up my doorman a little, or at least throw him pointed looks. Paul is very jealous and doesn’t like that another man is “guarding me,” as he puts it. It’s really very sweet of him. Anyway, he got upstairs and gave me the condoms he always steals from the drugstore he works next to. Very adorable.
So everything was peachy, but then we were trying to decide where to eat and that’s when it happened. I felt like Thai. He was thinking Lebanese. We couldn’t decide.
So what do you think? Thai or Lebanese?
Yours Truly,
Stumped and Hungry in Inwood
Dear Stumped,
No relationship can flourish amidst a backdrop of jealousy. That “green-eyes monster”, as Shakespeare so eloquently described it, will always cause the setting up of two opposing camps, rather than the collective community this is a successful relationship. Some men can only show their insecurity and fears of inadequacy through dominance over peripheral figures in their partners’ lives. It is a fairly common way for the beta males to deal with the pressures of alpha male responsibilities in our modern society.
You need to get to the root of your partner’s insecurity. Open a line of frank and safe communication. A good way of doing this, I find, is to schedule a quiet night at home. Create a relaxed and safe environment, perhaps with candles, aromas, a gentle soundscape or music, and familiar food. Confront him with the issues, and you’ll be surprised how open he will be. In all likelihood, he doesn’t want to be jealous, but he doesn’t know how to properly express his anxieties. Given the opportunity, I’m sure he will open up to you and your bond with each other will never have been stronger.
Sincerely,
Abby
Dear Abby,
Wow, that was a whole lot of advice! I did all of the stuff you said. I scheduled a night in with Paul. I turned out the lights, even his St Pauli Girl neon beer sign (I’m not allowed to touch that), and lit some jasmine candles. I put on The Monkees (which Paul loves but don’t tell him I told you) and tried to make everything really nice for him. I sat him down and tried to talk to him just like you said, but he got pretty mad. He wanted to know where I got off turning his beer sign off and where I got all these ideas from, so I showed him your column in the paper. Let me tell you, he was none too happy to be called a Beta. Paul hates tropical fish!
Anyway, he pointed out that I had forgotten the food part, so maybe that’s why it didn’t work.. I was in the mood for Lebanese. He wanted Thai. So what do you think? Lebanese or Thai?
I Remain,
Stumped and Hungry in Inwood
Dear Stumped,
Even in the most intimate of relationships, property lines can be a tricky business. This stems, in part, from men’s natural inclination to remain independent and self-sufficient, and also from the desire to remain free of feminine control. This is especially true of the beta males, as our modern society fails to make places for them at the proverbial table. The drawing of boundary lines is natural and helpful, if kept in check and not ruinous to your trust for each other. Until the day when societal norms will account for the beta male’s role in society, concessions must be made to preserve their self-confidence.
You should respect Paul’s property, but also let him know that it hurts you when he places physical things over your feelings. Explain to him that while you want to uphold his individualism, it should not come at such an emotional cost. Suggest a learning session, where he teaches you all the finer points of his lamp so that he can trust you with it. Also, take time to understand the emotional connection he has with the lamp. Perhaps it is an object of great pride for him, won in a contest, or given to him by a loved one. Whatever the reason, realize that he, too, has emotions that need to be understood.
Sincerely,
Abby
Dear Abby,
My girlfriend asked you a question and I’d appreciate it if you’d answer her. If you don’t, I’ll smash you like I smashed all the fish tanks at Petland yesterday. Think I’m kidding? That pink stuff on the enclosed shard of glass is fish guts.
So which is it? Thai or Lebanese? Me Paul. Me dumb Beta. Me fucking hungry.
Best,
Paul
P.S. I will cut you if you write to my girlfriend again. I know you’re just the goddamned doorman, Jeeves, so LAY OFF!
Dear Paul,
Thai. Tabouleh, the poplar Lebanese salad, is known to cause gas which can be embarrassing in moments of intimacy if the proper channels of trust are not in place.
Also, peanut sauce is yummy.
Sincerely,
Abby