Internet-Savvy Beggars:
It has occurred to me that some of you have a remarkable aptitude for inspiring me not to give you money, and I thank you. In an attempt to even the playing field for all of your competitors, I present for your edification:
Ways To Dissuade Me From Giving You Money
Insulting Me Verbally
A great way of preventing me from giving you money is to make derogatory or mocking remarks in my direction. If you ask me for money, I tell you I have no change, and you question my honesty, I will not change my position and give you money. Calling my honesty into question will not break my resolve. If I tell you, quite convincingly, that I do not have change, and you retort by telling me, “Alright, don’t cry about it,” you will succeed in dissuading me from giving you money. It is true that this is a seldom used technique, as it requires direct effort to employ, but it is an effective one nonetheless. However, it benefits all parties, as I get to keep my money and you get to expel some of your inner rage.
Insulting My Intelligence
An easier and less “in yo’ face” way to keep my money in my pocket is to refrain from speaking altogether. If, instead of asking for money vocally or with a sign, you choose alternatively to jangle money in a cup, I will not contribute to your maraca. There is nothing to be gained by signaling me like an animal; it is either apparent what you are doing, or it isn’t. In the latter case, maybe you should find a better way to achieve your ends (unless your ends are to keep me in the green – in that case, keep it up!) I have never accidentally dropped a quarter in anyone’s coffee, as I am sure no one has ever tried to refill your money cup with beverage. Assaulting me with your impromptu jingle bells is a surefire way to keep me walking. Those of you doing it, keep up the good work. Others of you, consider taking this up. The world needs more music, and I need more quarters for the candy machine.
Insulting My Morals
Requiring even less effort on your part is the tobacco angle. If you are smoking, I will not give you money. How could I promote that unhealthy habit? Encourage your slow suicide, contribute to the poisoning of my own atmosphere, and drive health insurance costs up? I won’t have that on my conscience. Not to mention the fact that each cigarette now costs about thirty-five cents in New York City. If I wanted my money to burn, I’d wrap it around marshmallows. But I really do owe it to you, smoking peddlers, for my continued appreciation of the value of money. So keep smoking! (But please blow the smoke away from me. Thanks).
So there you are, homeless people. A few ways to help you help me keep my money in my pocket. Use them well. And feel free to think up some new ones. Maybe something involving preaching about religion, or touching me. I’m sure you’ll come up with something. Keep me on my toes. Much obliged, and best of luck to you.