Previously in “The Maltese Sparrow…
In a last desperate attempt to inject some suspense into the story, the author resorts to the tired and cliched twist of the betrayal! Thousands of internet readers, hoping that the story would have degenerated into graphic erotic fiction by now, groan in disgust and log on to www.boobies.com.
And now, The Maltese Sparrow: Part 9, The Penultimate Episode…
She made me drive, the hard, steel barrel of the gun poking into my ribs. It was difficult, two people on a Segway, but I felt like it was a very hip, urban kidnapping at the very least. As I twitched my legs to direct the little scooter, she hissed directions in my ear.
The trip gave me more time to think. I knew there was $5 million inside the statue, but what I didn’t know was why? Nor did I know why she needed to involve me in this whole affair. I knew that my involvement was the key to the whole case – who was I distracting? Was Penny Bouiver out for herself, or was she working for someone else? And why was Senator Bouvier prepared to kill to get that money back?
We rolled gently around a corner and the towering marble pillars of the Lincoln Memorial rose up in front of us. I pulled up next to the curb and she led me up the steps of the monument. It was late now – almost 10 – and the monument was still and empty in the darkness. In a moment, we stood at the foot of the great statue, the black steel of the gun glinting in the moonlight. I looked at her coolly, “What are we doing here?”
She smiled a thin smile. “You’ll see,” she said. At that moment, we both heard the click of shoes on marble. We turned to see a shadow approaching us. As the figure stepped into the light, I was greeted by the ruddy features of Detective Lester Patterson. “Hello, baby,” he said giving Penny a light kiss on the cheek.
“Patterson,” I said, “I should’ve known.”
Patterson sneered at me with disdain. “Yes, you should’ve – I was the only secondary character in this serial besides your secretary. It’s about as obvious as a Scooby Doo episode.”
“So what’s the game, Patterson? Why not take the statue and run?”
“And have a U.S. Senator chasing after us? I don’t think so. Better to come up with a scapegoat, a role ably played by you, I think.”
Penny smiled. “You see, Sam, when my father was sent to Cyprus to negotiate the olive rights, I tagged along. In a late-night rendezvous, I convinced one of the Cypriot negotiators that I was acting on behalf of my father. I told him he would see that things turned out in favor of Cyprus if the negotiators would pay him off to the tune of $5 million. They agreed but insisted my father had to accept the check himself. Of course, my father had no idea that he was going to be bribed. I convinced the negotiator that he would not be able to meet with my father alone, but they could present him with a worthless trinket – inside of which would be the bribe… the bribe my father had no clue he was getting.”
“So they presented him with the Maltese Sparrow.”
“No, Sam, they gave him a scented candle. Geez, of course it was in the stupid sparrow, I already told you.” She shook her head disgustedly. “Anyway, things went without a hitch until my father tried to clean the chocolate malt off the sparrow. He discovered the check. Before he could give it back, I fled with the statue and the check and returned to Washington – my father hot on my heels. I met up with Lester and we hatched a plan.”
Patterson took over the story. “We knew the old man wouldn’t rest until he got the check back so he could return it with his honor intact. That’s why you’re involved. While Penny led you around Washington, I cooked up a phony search warrant, went to your office, and ‘discovered’ the bird. I took it back to HQ, and tomorrow I’ll bring it to the senator. Of course, he won’t find the check – Penny and I have that. But he’ll assume that you have it hidden somewhere. Only you won’t be able to tell him where….”
I snorted derisively. “Uh, yeah, I think I will. I’ll tell him you have it.”
Penny raised her gun. “Not unless we shoot you first,” she said with a smile.
“Oh, right.” My mind raced furiously. Suddenly, it hit me. “Just a moment, Patterson. How did you supposedly know to search my office for the sparrow?”
Penny and Patterson stared at me uncomprehendingly as I paced in front of Lincoln’s feet. “The senator didn’t want to get the law involved in order to preserve his honor. Penny was a criminal and would not want to get the law involved either. The only way you would officially know to search my office is if Penny had already involved you in the case in an official capacity – which she hadn’t! Otherwise, your complicitness in the whole affair is glaringly obvious. And that, my friends,” I said, stepping back expectantly, “is what is known as a gaping plot hole!!”
With a terrified scream, the senator’s thug Tommy hurtled from the sky and fell with a thud at Lincoln’s feet. The gun which he could not have gotten into the federal building clattered onto the marble in front of me and while my captors were paralyzed in surprise I scooped it up and covered them. “Well, well, it seems things have changed slightly. Perhaps you don’t know the rules, but the only means of escape from being sucked into a plot hole is through yet another plot hole!”
We stared at each other over the muzzles of our loaded guns. Frankly, we needed a break from the convoluted efforts to wrap up the plot.
To Be Concluded….