T.J. Monkey's

Tag: monologues

  • On a Lunch Order

    Ridiculous. You can’t tell me what to do. I’ve worked here for twenty-two years. I’ve got an office. An office with a window. A window with a view straight down Lexington Avenue. I know the books of Brantley and Sentson Accounting inside and out. I single-handedly saved us from tax evasion charges two years ago.…

  • On a Moment on the Sidewalk

    We shared a moment on the sidewalk. You wanted to pass me on my left. I wanted to pass you on your right. Then we both switched sides at the same time, resulting in a continued stalemate. We shared a giggle and a knowing glance, and we stopped in our tracks, both politely waiting for…

  • On an Examination of You

    Before we continue, let’s examine you for a moment, shall we? You have little in the way of manners and less in the way of good looks. Your clothing leaves much to be desired. Your shoes are scuffed; your necktie wrinkled. Your left pant leg is tattered and stained and hangs one full inch lower…

  • On Everyone Having a Crush On Me

    Everyone has a crush on me. You’d think that’d be a good thing, but in reality, it’s really annoying and bothersome. Like the other day, my friend Diane called me up and asked if I was free to meet up for lunch. Now, if I were a normal person, if I wasn’t irresistible to everyone…

  • On Emasculation in the Elevator

    (the door opens, two guys get in) Hmm? Oh, I’m going to the 19th floor. Thanks. Right, yeah, the ad firm. That’s, heh, that’s me. The ad firm. You’re with… Ray’s Pizza? Or is that…? Oh, OK, yeah, we… order from there a lot. Oh, well, you know, different stuff, I do a lot of…

  • On Drinking a Whole Glass of Rat Poison

    A man would have to ingest an entire glass of rat poison to die from it. That seems almost impossible. It’s not. Here is how that very thing could happen: Hey, who left this out here on the table? This glass, I mean? There’s just a full glass of something here on this table. Well,…

  • On FedEx

    FedEx, I’m… I’m sorry I wasn’t there. I thought maybe the package would come on Friday, that I’d have Thursday to run some errands. But, once again, you’re more than on time. (sigh) And so I sit here now on Friday, waiting for you. Fearing that condescending look I’ll get when you finally do come.…

  • On Trying to Not Complain So Much

    Look, there’s no reason to panic. We’re all safe for the moment. Yes, the elevator’s still not moving. Yes. And we’re all unhappy about that. But I’m sure it’ll start again soon; these things happen all the time. You freaking out like you’re doing, all this negativity… it’s not helping anything. And OK, you’re claustrophobic.…

  • On Life Being About The Journey

    Yeah! A road trip! Let’s do it! I love a good road trip! Let’s GO! … I’m tired. My feet hurt. I can’t turn my neck the whole way to the right anymore. This car smells. I’m hungry. I have to go to the bathroom. This car doesn’t have enough cool features like a CD…

  • On a Music-Based Friendship

    I mean, if that’s how you feel, if you don’t want to hang out with me anymore, then OK, I’ll respect that. But…we like all the same CDs, Russell; how can we not be good friends? Do we come from different worlds? Yes. Is is our rapport less than perfect when discussing anything other than…