Everyone has a crush on me. You’d think that’d be a good thing, but in reality, it’s really annoying and bothersome.
Like the other day, my friend Diane called me up and asked if I was free to meet up for lunch. Now, if I were a normal person, if I wasn’t irresistible to everyone around me, this would be a straightforward situation. “Yes, Diane, sounds great.” But see, me, I know Diane has a crush on me. So I’m thinking, “What if she sees this lunch thing as a date-type thing? Or what if this is one of those lunches where she’s going to break it to me that she’s fallen for me and wants to become ‘more than friends’?” (I know all about those sort of lunches because they happen to me constantly.) So I made up some lie about how I couldn’t do lunch, how I was really busy. Of course, I wasn’t, but I had to lie in order to protect Diane from herself.
Of course, it’s flattering at first having so many people make passes at you. A waitress will give you a wink, and to the untrained eye, it seems like just a run-of-the-mill perky wink, but I have a very well-trained eye, and I know it’s a wink that means, if I wanted, I could be having sex with that waitress within the hour, if I so desired.
But I don’t desire to, and that’s the other problem. I have little to no sexual urges. So as much opportunity as I’m presented with (and it is an amazing amount), I have no drive to capitalize on it. The few times I have had an inkling to allow a girl to have her way with me, it’s really just because I feel like I should take advantage of my fantastic ability, that it shouldn’t go to waste. I feel like this reason is not a great foundation to build a relationship on, though, so I’ve yet to let it happen. In the end, too, it’s unfair for the girl, and I feel like I should be looking out for them, especially since their minds are so clouded with lust. I think for them, and again, I protect them from themselves.
I guess it’s sort of the classic poetic thing of, you know: the guy who can have it all doesn’t want it. Or at least doesn’t need it. You think those things you read in books, in mythology and whatnot, you think that they aren’t true, but at least in my case, they really are. I remember talking about that with my roommate in college. I don’t have a roommate now, so I don’t get to have those sort of conversations. And I certainly don’t have them with women considering… well, you know, I know it wouldn’t be a good conversation because they’d most likely just be thinking about humping me the whole time.
I try my best sometimes, to repel women, to see if my powers will still work, sort of against my will. Like, for instance, I will sit in a coffee shop, and just look as gruff and unapproachable as I can. Really turn off the charm, you know? And yet, still, what will happen? That’s right, some girl will claim to want to borrow the Sweet N Low or drop her pencil near me (they have a million tricks to get my attention). So whatever it is that I have, it seems to have little to do with my looks or general disposition. It’s chemical, I think. Like pheremones.
Anyway, eventually I suppose, I’ll meet the right girl. And lucky for me, once I do, she’ll definitely like me back. So that’s nice. It relieves a lot of stress, in that sense. Though it builds up so much stress, in those other senses I mentioned. It doesn’t quite even out. But at least not worrying about finding a mate mitigates the other negative stresses somewhat.
No mate for me right now, though. I’m too focused on my job to even start to think about marriage, so I’m not interested in any relationship right now. I work from home selling screen-printed t-shirts on eBay. They say slogans from rock songs like, “Solid As A Rock” and things like that. They sell well, and cost nothing to make, and I can make them say anything I like. Some people buy them to sort of wear them ironically, I think, and that’s OK with me. I actually just like them as they are. I think a t-shirt that says, “Fly Like An Eagle” is great (or something else, “Take It To The Limit”, it doesn’t matter, I literally have made hundreds of different ones). I think a t-shirt like that is just pretty cool. But if people buy them for kitsch, I understand that, too.
Anyway, I guess my point is: be careful what you wish for! Not that I really wished to be so incredibly attractive. But a lot of people would wish for what I have, I guess is my point, and they should really think it through. Everyone has a crush on me, but it’s not some great thing. In fact, it’s annoying.