T.J. Monkey's

Tag: athletics

  • On Pete Rose and Betting on Baseball

    Pete Rose bet on baseball. I bet on baseball, too. Pete Rose bet several thousands of dollars on specific teams to win or lose games. I bet thirteen billion dollars that baseball would, by 2002, colonize Jupiter’s third moon, Europa. Pete Rose lost some of his bets and won others. I lost mine. Pete Rose…

  • On Losing My Amateur Status

    In life, I try not to be profound, prolific, or proactive, as I’d like compete in the Olympics some day. I could be misunderstanding the rules of the Olympics, but I doubt it. Porter

  • On Hot Dog Eating Contest Athletes

    Oh, man, I am BEAT. That was just a helluva workout, Jesus. I tell you, people who tell you hot dog eating contests are just jokes, just carnival stuff, phew, you tell ’em to come down to Coney Island on July 23rd! You think those aren’t twenty-five of America’s finest ATH-letes out there, you’re thinkin’…

  • On Stolen Baseball Cards

    Hey! John Lamberson! You total buttface. That’s right, I’m talking to you, John Lamberson. I’m talking to the John Lamberson who went to Alanton Elementary School with me. The John Lamberson who I considered one of my seven best friends in fifth grade. The John Lamberson who I laughed with. The John Lamberson who I…

  • On the Porpoise and the Hare

    Once upon a time there was a hare who lived on a hill in beautiful meadow in a small little coastal town that, for the purposes of this story, was home to a great variety of animals who all had the gift of speech. The hare was a nice hare. A good hare. A physically…

  • On What’s Important in Sports

    Ever watch a sporting event ever? Well, I have once or twice. Now, when you’re watching these things, you know when an injury happens, and they stop play, or stop the race, or whatever, and everyone’s standing around watching the guy who’s hurt lay on the ground, and we’re all waiting to see what’s wrong.…