Why are names cool? Because you can have nicknames. All actual names are terrible. But nicknames are great. That’s why my name is terrible. It leaves me with no real nicknames. Observe.
Porter -> (nothing) = terrible
Oh, sure, there are a few potentials.
Porter -> Port = terrible
Porter -> ‘Ter = horrible
Porter -> Po Po = terrible and horrible
But as you can see these are all extremely terrible and horrible. (And even if you don’t agree, there’s no room left here for you to respond anyway, so buckle up, buttercup, because you’re comin’ with me on this nickname tangent, like it or not.)
So…what is the perfect name? Well, it’s the one with the most damn nicknames. Now for girls, you have some really great options.
Margeret -> Maggie, Marge, Margie, Midge, Greta
Elizabeth -> Beth, Liz, Lizzie, Betty, Betsy, Eliza, Zabbie, Elthy, Ththy
All right, yes, fine, I made up a few of the ones at the end there, but still, look at that name, man: Elizabeth. What a great name. It’s like someone just had nicknames in mind when they made it. “Hey, let’s just cram a whole bunch of small pieces of names into one big one!” That’s what they shouted when they made “Elizabeth.” Then their bosses said, “Hey, stop shoutin’ and get back to work makin’ more names, you namemakers!” Rough job, that namemakin’.
Oh, sure, we guys have a few good ones, but they’re mainly ones we just made up.
Robert -> Bob = what? where’s that second ‘b’ comin’ from?
John -> Jack = I’m sorry? they both start with ‘j’, but otherwise, no connection
Richard -> Blinkie = ???
To be fair, I really only know one Richard who goes by “Blinkie,” but it’s still shows you what lengths us guys will go to for a good nickname. So, what we need is a guy’s name with Elizabeth-like versatility. Something that really gives us the tools to create the sheer number of nicknames we need. So here’s what I propose:
Salmonicarleonickened
Right off the bat, I think it’s clear this is a incredible name. Let’s look at the possibilities (as if they’re not extremely apparent already).
Salmonicarleonickened -> Sal, Mon, Salmon, Nic, Carl, Leon, Nick, Ken, Ned
Then, of course, all these names also provide their “ie” or “y” suffixed brothers.
Salmonicarleonickened -> Sally, Monnie, Salmony, Nicci, Carly, Leony, Nicky, Kennie, Neddie
And, obviously, they can all have “dogg” attached to the end, to add even more.
Salmonicarleonickened -> Sal Dogg, Mon Dogg, Salmon Dogg, Nic Dogg, Carl Dogg, Leon Dogg, Nick Dogg, Ken Dogg, Ned Dogg
Plus, because of the sheer number of different letters in Salmonicarleonickened, there’s tons of Wu Tang type “za” suffixed possibilities.
Salmonicarleonickened -> Sza, Aza, Lza, Mza, Oza, Nza, Iza, Cza…and so on
The Sza? Isn’t that badass? “I’m the Sza. I cut up things.” Yeah! “I’m the Lza. I’m a cold-blooded vertebrate with scales.” Freakin’ yeah! “I’m the Iza…I’m…I’m…I’m the Iza.” OK, sure!
Well, I doubt I need to really go much further. Salmonicarleonickened is clearly the name of the future. I would recommend you hurry and start scrumping, so you can start havin’ some baby boys and start fillin’ out them birth certificates.
And if, by some unlucky twist of fate, you have a girl, I guess you can name her Elizabeth.
Or Monikarenicoliannelizabetrixirenellenelly.
But I’m still working on that one.