I like the metric system. Not only is it a useful and simple way to classify weights and measures, it’s darn fun too! Just thinking about picometers and centigrams and deciliters gets me visibly flushed and aroused. Honestly, can you blame me??? The only other thing in this world that is close to the metric system fun-wise is Catholicism, which incidentally, is always a barrel of laughs (in a good way, mind you).
So I was sitting around in my room the other day, spinning a dreidel and reading Torah, when I had an amazing idea. Why not combine the two most funnest and bestest things in life and come up with this super…um…thing? We’d have Catholicism and the metric system together as one! It could be called something really crazy and creative. Like…the Catholic Metric System. This could be the single greatest thing the world has seen since Immanuel Kant’s legendary dissertation on the Categorical Imperative or even since Plato’s invention of Socrates. It’s really simple, but here are a couple of examples of what could happen.
- Meters would become Peters. Instead of saying “I’m running in a 5 Kilometer race,” you would say, “I’m running in a 5 KiloPeter race.” Isn’t that just the awesomest thing ever?
- A gram would become a Jesus. A typical exchange could be as follows:
“How much does that weigh?”
“About 10 KiloJesuses.”
“Whoa, that’s a lot of Jesuses.”
“Yeah, man, it’s heavy.”
“Yeah, it’s KiloJesus heavy.” - Finally, a liter could become a PopeCardinalBishopliter.
“How much water is in that bucket?”
“Two PopeCardinalBishopLiters.”
“Gesundheit.”
You see how fun this is??? I could go on and on and on and on and on until eventually we all get so bored and tired of reading this tripe, we all believe that the Church will actually enact these changes. Until then we can only hope. And we can read Torah. There’s always time for Torah.
Guest Columnist