I was sitting around the other day watching some high school water polo on TV, thinking to myself, "Why don’t they just play Marco Polo?" After about ten minutes and some sedatives my thoughts shifted to the teams’ mascots. One school was represented by a ram and the other by a Viking. The Rams versus the Vikings; how much cooler would it be if the two teams were actually comprised of these things. In a water polo match, the rams would get their asses kicked.
I think all sports should have to be played by the teams’ mascots. For example, what if you went to a basketball game and got to see Celtics playing timberwolves. The little Irishmen would be running around not trying to get bitten while the ball sat at center court. In football you could see eleven jets ready to kick off against some dolphins. Those dolphins probably couldn’t get the passing game going for shit.
Things would get much more obscure though. What if there was a hockey match between the Force and the Hurricanes? Isn’t a hurricane a type of force? Maybe the force would win on the condition of ambiguity. In basketball, I think the Magic would always win, same with the Titans in football. Even if your team was the Gods, the Titans would still win.
If I had a team, and say we were from Des Moines, I would name them the Des Moines Things That Are Incapable Of Losing To Anything. Then we would always win. We would be the greatest team ever. I bet other teams would start doing the same thing. New names would pop up like the "Invincible Things," the "Unlosers" and the "Cute Puppydog Eyes." When teams like these would play, the game would have to be decided by a coin toss or Ding Dong eating affair.
Of course, this would make the athlete completely obsolete, but it would make everything so much cooler. Kids could go to school and learn about the history patriots in Boston, and then go see them kick the crap out of some saints. When the Ravens play the Seahawks, the whole game could be sponsored by the Audubon Society, who would have no pull in the NFL otherwise. Some of the most intense games would be the Clippers versus the Lakers, the Panthers versus the Jaguars, and the Red Sox versus the White Sox. In the latter, they would have to put them all in a washing machine to see that the Red Sox would always win a violent one, bleeding all over the other team.