Are you getting tired of the same old emotions?
Are you fed up with fear? Feeling ambivalent about animosity? Do you turn out the lights and pretend you’re not home when sympathy rings the doorbell?
Why not give spite a try? Millions of people just like you are switching to spite because they recognize the important role that it plays in a balanced emotional diet.
Spite. So often overlooked. It’s the Dirty Harry of emotions. Most of the time it gets little recognition, let alone respect. But when there’s a puppy to be kicked, or a high school cheerleader who needs to be taught a lesson, suddenly spite is everybody’s best friend.
There’s that old expression: “He cut off his nose to spite his face”. Clearly this is an emotion to be reckoned with.
It even feels good to say it. “Spite”. It’s like “spit”, with bite.
See how that works? Spit + bite = spite.
I just made that up now. That’s how good spite is.
They say variety is the spice of life. Well spite is the Tabasco sauce of road rage. It’s the vinegar of vendettas. The side salad of sibling rivalry. It’s the poppy seeds on the bagel of bunny torture.
Just how important is spite? Recent studies estimate that 37% of lawyers’ fees can be attributed to spite, or spite related, activities. Where would office politics be without it? Could the Spanish Inquisition have flourished without spite? Maybe. But according to a recent survey, 4 out of 5 fanatical torturers believe it “wouldn’t have been as much fun”.
There’s no justifying it. It’s petty and vindictive, and it makes no apologies. It hangs with the bad boys of the emotions, like bitterness and greed, often listening to rap music. Even hate is a little in awe of spite. It wears leather and chains. And, uh- spurs maybe. And gets away with it. Do you think love or happiness could pull that off? And not look like complete dickheads?
“Spite sounds great,” I hear you say. “But how can I get start using spite to inject fun and excitement into my life right now?”
Whoa. Slow down there, fella. Spite is not for the faint of heart. Before you start doing the spite dance you’d best know what you’re getting yourself into.
I’m just screwing with ya. Use spite with reckless abandon. That’s what makes it fun. And spite is so easy to use that anyone can do it. It can be as simple as starting a rumor that will destroy someone’s career. Or it can be as challenging as dedicating your life to making someone pay for that wedgy they gave you in third grade. Right in front of the girl’s gym class. Bastard.
Think your neighbor is stealing your newspaper? Then get a dog that barks all night. Sure, you’ll suffer too. That’s what spite is about. It takes action. It doesn’t discuss the pros and cons. It doesn’t consider the possible outcomes. Consequences? Let the sucky emotions, like sympathy, or anxiety worry about those.
So the next time you’re looking for an emotion with a bit of a kick, a lot of satisfaction, and maybe a resulting lawsuit, have yourself a big ol’ glass of spite.
(But don’t forget the bite. ‘Cause a glass of spit is just icky)
Guest Columnist