On Signs You Have the Flu

You ask your roommate when and where he installed the sauna.
You wake up from dreams about death feeling content and excited.
Your vocabulary has grown to use words like acetaminophen, pseudoephedrine, chlorepheniramine, and doxylamine succinate.
Showers become rigorous athletic challenges.
Hot flashes cause you to determine that you are going through menopause at age 21.
You have to use at least three colors to describe your mucus.
You know every soap opera character and refer to them by their first names.
You’ve watched every movie in your house and are forced to order Cinemax.
You read books about the Ebola virus and say, "Hey, that’s not so bad."
You take so many pills that you find that you finally fit in at sorority functions.
You write messages, put them in coke bottles and throw them onto the street.
You start each meal by telling your food, "See you later." You mean it.
The thought of consuming alcohol is similar to earlier sentiments you had for using heroine.
You just start wiping things everywhere.
You spend the entire work day contemplating the company benefits of stabbing yourself in the sinuses with a paper clip remover.
You let yourself faint hoping to be awakened by a hot nurse, but instead you end up in a puddle of drool on the floor of the 7-11.
You think Keanu Reeves is a really good actor.
You sit for hours considering the etymology of words like pancake and fizzle.
You make up different characters and play chess against yourself, losing every time.
The doctors recommend such cures as euthanasia or a bubble.
You sit in your bedroom naming every inanimate object and then you get mad when they don’t answer your commands to make you tea and crumpets.
You perform online searches for "badass cars" and only find random comedy web sites.

Seth

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