I received this letter from a reader recently, and I think it deserves all our attention:
Dear Porter Mason of T.J. Monkey’s,
My name is Gordon Peters. You don’t know me, but I hope you can help me. Five years ago, I contracted a rare respiratory illness known as Schaeffer-Lindstrom syndrome, or SLS. I’d like you to post this letter on your site to help raise awareness because unfortunately, little is known about this debilitating disease. There is almost no research devoted to it; in fact, most doctors have never even heard of it.
Now Hepatitis C, on the other hand, ever since Pamela Anderson got Hepatitis C, it’s been all over the media. It’s “Hepatitis C this”, and “Hepatitis C that!” It’s the same with Parkinson’s and that damn Michael J. Fox kid. All of a sudden, everyone cares about Parkinson’s. Everyone wants to cure Parkinson’s. My disease has been ignored for too long, and I’m sick of it.
So, I decided to take matters into my own hands, Mr. Mason.
Four weeks ago, outside of a Steak-n-Shake in St. Louis, MO, I kidnapped Judge Reinhold and began routinely French-kissing him until he contracted the SLS virus. The plan worked. Mr. Reinhold became a Stage 3 Schaeffer-Lindstrom carrier. I immediately sent press releases to all major media outlets! Help was on the way!
So I thought.
Unfortunately it seems I’d…”over-estimated” Mr. Reinhold’s popularity. I heard nothing for two weeks. Nothing! I mean, come on! It’s Judge Reinhold! Did no one see “Vice Versa” with Fred Savage!? He’s a star!
I refused to give up. The next day, I abducted Valerie Burtinelli outside a Brew-Thru on Hollywood Blvd.
Zip. Zilch. NBC wouldn’t even accept my fax. I was at my wit’s end…desperate. In a bold move, I captured and infected Tracy Gold, Howard Hesseman, and Alfonzo Ribeiro in a White Castle bathroom, all in the same afternoon. But the media remained silent. I didn’t know what else to do: I just kept going.
Lisa Bonet. Rue MacLanahan. The guy who played Boss Hog. They’re all coughing up phlgem in my basement, and NO ONE SEEMS TO CARE. I would’ve gotten higher profile celebrities, but they’re much harder to catch! They have bodyguards! They have entourages! And they don’t bend down to pick up decoy quarters so I can grab them in my burlap sack!
I’m at my wit’s end. John Ritter’s eating all my PowerBars, Judy Tenuta keeps taking her clothes off, Judith Light’s here…I didn’t even kidnap Judith Light! I’ve undone the chains, but…but they just won’t leave! I’ve got the entire cast of Good Times in my breakfast nook! Help me!
My mission is clear. I have one last chance. And only you can help me. Porter: Please stand up, walk two paces to your left, and look down.
Sincerely, Gordon Peters
Well, Gordon, your story truly touched me. So sure, I’d be happy to help you. (STANDS UP) Now, I don’t know exactly how all this standing up will help you cause, (WALKS TWO PACES TO LEFT) but you’re a reader, and you’ve made a request and I’m happy to do it, (LOOKS DOWN) anything for- hey! A quarter! (PICK UP QUARTER) Wait, this is some sort of decoy quarter. I don’t- (COUGHING MAN IN MASK JUMPS OUT AND GRABS PORTER IN BURLAP SACK)
(FIN)
Porter and Guest Columnist Jane