I saw a brand new ad for Diet Coke yesterday that just had a picture of a can, and it said, “Diet Coke: That certain something.” What kind of slogan is that?!?! Why have advertisers gotten so convoluted in their attempts to make us buy products? What “certain something”? Do I have something on my face? Do I need Diet Coke to wash it off?
Remember when advertisers just told you something you could do with their product? “See the U.S.A. in your Chevrolet.” That speaks to me. Mainly it tells me that I can see something by buying something else. “McDonald’s: We love to see you smile.” That doesn’t tell me anything. It tells me that while I’m getting my triple bypass from having eaten two Big Macs in a day, they’re going to love looking at the sedated smile on my face from all of the anesthetic. If you love to see me smile so much, why don’t you change the damn oil in the fryalator?
Pretty soon you’ll see ads like, “Ford: 7.” This has been a trend in progress for a while. I can’t remember the last great advertising slogan I heard. When an airline company tells you “We love to fly and it shows,” I think you should demand to know how it shows. Because they don’t crash the plane? Is that how? Then shouldn’t the slogan be, “We love being alive, and won’t kill you.” That’s the kind of slogan I want, “Delta: We have planes that take you places alive.” Why can’t companies just give it to you straight, “Pepsi: Cold, wet, and caffeinated.” Everyone tries to be all fancy and artsy. If coffee is “Good to the last drop,” why don’t they just say, “Every drop is very good”? Or even better, “Coffee good, yum yum, drink it drink it.”
Advertisers need to get back to basics, to telling the people what their product is and why I should buy it, instead of tricking people into buying something just so they can try to figure out what the ad means. When it comes down to it, most slogans are lies. “Burger King: Your way.” My way? My way would be for me not to need a colostomy every time I eat your damn food, but I don’t think that’s gonna happen. So how about you keep it real B.K. “Burger King: The food tastes pretty good, and it’s cheap, but it’s very high in fat and will make your heart stop.”
Editor’s Note: I suggest Seth and all readers who like this whole idea go rent the Dudley Moore movie, Crazy People, as it deals with this very subject and is very funny. Please do not rent Arthur 2: On the Rocks, though. It deals with no particular subject except sucking and is not at all funny.