I am a Third. That is, my full name is Porter Haynes Mason, III. And I assume, when it comes time for me to name my son, I will name him Porter Haynes Mason as well. But I’m dropping the numbers.
I will name my son: Porter Haynes Mason, Special Edition.
See, my son will be a lot like me. His life will, in fact, mirror mine in many ways. But since we have more time to plan and really do it right, my son will have the rich, full life Porter Mason was intended to have the first time.
Porter Mason, Special Edition will include the full, unrated director’s cut of Porter Mason, the artist’s true vision untainted by the studio’s grubby hands. Finally, the extended version of several college scenes will explain why Porter dated so little. At long last, you’ll get to see junior high as the director intended: free of acne. And you’ll be amazed that the movie ever came out the first time without the beautifully shot “Porter wins Prom King and kicks Anthony King’s freaking ass” sequence.
My son will also include tons of deleted scenes that never actually happened in my life but that I shot tons of footage of in my head. There’ll be the scene where Porter Mason hits that game-winning home run in little league, the scene where Porter Mason saves his friend Carlos from drowning in front of a crowd of awed onlookers, and of course, the controversial Porter Mason/Katie Holmes shower scene (preceded by a never before scene montage of Porter Mason getting into really great shape).
With Porter Mason, Special Edition, you’ll even get hilarious bloopers like when Porter mistakenly calls his high school principal “Dr. Poop” instead of Dr. Pope during a high school valedictorian speech! It took four side-splitting takes to get it right! “Oh man, that was a crazy day on set,” notes executive producer and Special Edition’s mother Norah Jones.
And my son will also feature over seventeen hours of onset documentaries and cast/crew interviews. You’ll get the “HBO First Look” episode wherein writer/director Porter Mason, III, reveals where he first got the idea for Porter Mason, SE. “I was at Plug Uglies, a dive bar in midtown Manhattan, knocking back vodka tonics with Ed Burns and Richard Dreyfuss. It was four in the morning, and it just came to me. I jotted some words on a cocktail napkin: ‘impregnate someone (preferrably Norah Jones) and name the kid Porter Mason like me’. I then punched Dreyfuss, vomited on the jukebox, and passed out. The next morning, I woke up somewhere in Queens, with different clothes on and no shoes, but that napkin still in my front pocket.”
It goes without saying that Porter Mason, Special Edition will have a running commentary from the writer/director himself. Each scene will be highlighted with insightful thoughts and revealing secrets from the man behind it all. Here are some selected highlights:
When Porter Mason, SE eats too much bread and pasta as a child: “Don’t do that. Your diet is too carb heavy. You’re going to end up with a very slow metabolism if you keep that up.”
When PMSE goes on his first date: “No, she wasn’t our first choice of casting, but I just thought we really needed to shoot this scene early on in production. So later, he’ll be ready for the more important ‘loss of virginity’ scene.”
When PeeEmSpecEd loses his virginity: “This is… (sniff)… this still gets me, no matter how many times I see it. What a… a well-written scene. (sniff)”
Yes, Porter Mason, Special Edition will be a must for all Porter Mason fans. See what Porter Mason wanted to be the first time he was released. See Porter Mason totally reimagined, using the most high-tech digital imaging technology. See Porter Mason actually get some play now and then.
Anyway, it’s gonna be great. The release date should be around summer 2014.
Which gives me about ten years to meet, woo, and impregnate Norah Jones.
Wish me luck!