I just spent a few days staying with my grandparents, and I realized that they are a bit kooky. Not wild. Not crazy. Just kooky. And Jewish, but that’s beside the point. I always thought that my grandparents were special because of their kookiness, but after spending some time in Florida, I realized that every person over the age of 65 is kooky and therefore special. On a side note, being “special” does not allow them to compete in the Special Olympics, although they did one time and whipped this kid with Down’s Syndrome’s ass in the 400x relay. On a side side note, if you re-read that last sentence, it sounds like I made up a disease called “Down’s Syndrome’s Ass”. I didn’t. For the record, I was referring to Down’s Syndrome. It has still yet to be proven if Down’s Syndrome’s Ass is actually a disease, but I hear they’re making progress at Harvard Medical School in the Ass Disease Ward. But I digress.
Getting back to the issue at hand, why is it that all “old” people are so kooky? Is it genetics? Is it a learned behavior? Do you suddenly wake up on your 65th birthday and have an intense desire to go to an early bird special? When you receive your AARP card in the mail, do you suddenly shrink so much that your head can’t be seen above your seat when you drive? Do you have a slight burning sensation when you pee? If you answered yes to all of those questions, you are officially a kooky old person with gonorrhea. But in case you didn’t answer yes to those questions, or you did but you still aren’t sure you’re a kooky old fogy, here are some warning signs that you may be a kooky old person (KOP).
- Pants – If you feel the need to buy yellow and red checkered pants that are hideously ugly and way out of style, you’re either really trendy or a KOP. However, if you pull those pants up to just below your nipples, you are definitely a KOP. Also, if you lament the fact that your blue polyester pants are just starting to fall apart and that you haven’t found a decent pair of pants since we dropped the big one on them damn Japanese bastards back in WWII…chances are you’re a KOP.
- Storytelling – If you begin every story with, “When I was your age,” and end every story by drifting off into a nap, you most definitely are a KOP. Oh, and add some more KOP points for each time you refer to the Rat Pack or the “Krouts”. Bonus points are awarded for tangential queries about the whereabouts of your teeth
- Technology – It’s a good bet you’re a KOP if you refer to a computer/the Internet as “The Devil’s Work,” but you may also be a KOP if you own a computer, use it only for Free Cell, and call the Microsoft Help Desk any time you need advice on a move.
- Memory – If you’ve already forgotten everything I’ve just written, you are definitely a KOP.
I guess the meandering point that I’m trying to make is don’t worry about becoming a kooky old person. It’s a natural part of aging. It’s as natural as graying hairs, loose stools, and voting down school budgets because of your nearsighted view of the future in which you don’t give two shits about the state of the world once you’re dead and since you’ve raised your children to be successful it’s not your concern about how their children fare in this crazy world and since you’re the only ones who consistently vote you screw over everyone else just to save a few extra dollars that you can use to buy premium adult diapers and rebated tickets at movies! Er…or something. So to all the kooky old people of the world, I salute you. Live long, prosper, and kick some Down Syndrome ass!
Guest Columnist