Today, it being Halloween, I’d like to tackle a scaaaary subject: do aliens walk among us? If they do, do they get tax writeoffs because they are aliens? Do they get tax writeoffs for any other reasons? And scariest of all… who does their taxes? A race of superintelligent beings genetically engineered with mathematical powers beyond the comprehension of even the most evolved human minds? Or Morty Tuckman down at Taxes ‘R’ Us?
This sort of edgy interesting information will only be available to us when we can get our hands on an alien’s W-2. Until the day that information is shown to the world, in a fine journalistic forum like maybe "Hard Copy" or "Bob’s Ain’t It Cool Alien News and Xena Cleavage Shot Photo Archive", we live in a world of unknowns, a world of speculation, a world of laughter, a world of tears, a world of hope and a world of fears! There’s so much that we share that it’s time we’re aware it’s a small world after aaaaaaall! Iiiiiiit’s a small world aaaafter all, iiiit’s a sm-
I apologize. Yes. Aliens. Taxes. We’ll never know. And what about werewolves? It is well known that werewolves are genuinely draft-dodgers. No werewolves fought in the Vietnam War. None in World War II, and none in World War I. I could go on, if in fact I knew any others wars, but I don’t. Wizards never pay taxes either, they’re also drunks and generally polygamists. Even our old friend Mr. Vampire seems to feel he’s exempt from the long arm of Uncle Sam. Vampires pay absolutely no taxes, and yet each year rake in the kickbacks. And what about the common ghost or ghoul? Or your favorite superhero? They’re all freeloaders at the Great American "Screw the Working Man" Party.
What’s the lesson here? Monsters, aliens, superhereos, even the undead, each year these groups take in handful after handful of government money (probably), your money (probably)! You don’t have to take that (definitely)!
So tonight, when these lazy little freeloaders come knocking on your door, asking for yet another handout, you respond with this (and add in lots of excited hand-pointing at the italicized words): "Trick or treat? Well, my little wee beasties, the trick’s on you, and the treat will be mine because you will not be having any of my candy, which won’t be a treat and yet will be quite tricky because you’ll have to treat me to dinner unless you can do a few magic tricks which won’t necessarily be a treat to, ah, tricky… treaty… treaty-tricks… "
BUT DON’T TRAIL OFF!!! That will completely undermine the intense verbal lashing you just gave the little bugger. Look, you’ll think of some clever "trick or treat" things to say, I assure you. You’re great at that sort of stuff, you- no, you are… now, don’t act so modest, you’re a quick wit and you always have been… there we are, chin up, chin up, there’s my little soldier!
Right. So. Anyway, don’t give out any candy to tax-dodging little freaks tonight. Right.
And…
…and, ah, also remember to set your clocks forward if you… or backward… whichever it is, do that…
And… ah… ah… uh, fuck the police…. (probably).