Well, it’s that time of year! It’s that point in my life! Yes: my friends and peers are starting to get married, people!
That’s right, fellow humans that I thought I knew well have apparently decided to throw in the friggin’ towel. “I’m not gonna make it on my own!” they scream as they write up their invitations. “I will surely not last much longer in this world alone!” they yell as they make extravagant catering arrangements. “I need to legally and religiously bind myself to another human being if I’m going to really get anything done around here!” they bellow as they dial up Rent-A-Priest and order the deluxe package.
Well, nonsense, says I.
I say: Marriage is a last refuge! Marriage is a safety net! Marriage is a life raft! A life raft! And these people are sailing off in their little life rafts way before we’re even sure if the hull of the ship is seriously damaged!
See, guys like me, guys who have a bunch of self-confidence, we know we can make it alone. We know that we have it in us to go the distance. We know that the occasional bouts of loneliness and depression are just life’s way of testing us. And we will pass the test! We don’t need companions! And it’s become apparent that no companions seem to need us! So? Who cares? Not us! We don’t care a bit! Or at least we just don’t think about it too much if we can help it! We. Are. Strong.
So all of you out there considering marriage: consider this: don’t freakin’ do it! Because you have the guts and chutzpah to make it on your own! Because you are one of the brave, one of the noble, one of the chosen! Because you are not meant to marry!
And because if everyone’s married, and I’m not, you’ll all just hang out with your spouses all the time, and I’ll have to sit at home alone, eat lots of Uncle Ben’s rice bowls, and watch reruns of “Iron Chef”.
Only you can prevent this horrifying future, people. Don’t drop the ball.