My computer got a virus again, yesterday. The whole thing has thrown me for a loop. You’d think getting an email from Anna Kournikova would be a good thing. Nope. You’d think getting a picture sent to you involving Romeo and Juliet would be a good thing. Wrong again. You’d think Norton Antivirus could fix these. Not even close.
So I’ve accepted the fact that my computer is going to get sick, and no amount of amoxicillin is gonna save him. (My computer is, in fact, male. His name is Steve). So what can be done? Well, my answer is today’s thought. A few suggestions to virus-programmers everywhere. To you, Virus Gal, I have a few things to discuss.
First of all, I am very disappointed in your imagination. I realize the general reason to write viruses is because you can do it. Moreover, you want prove your e-prowess by infecting as many computers as possible and thereby going down in the annals of Norton history. If you want to do this, great, but be creative darn it!
Here is what your typical virus does: (1) Cuddles up with an email or a cute little program that I want; (2) muddles its way through my hard drives deep ocean of… er… ‘information;’ (3) wizzes all over it. This can be either my boot files or my mp3’s; it doesn’t matter. In the end, the result’s the same: I get pissed and call my friend who knows more about computers than me. He looks at my computer and says one of two things: (1)’Wow. Sucks to be you.’ or (2)’Wow. That’s a lot of porn.’ Porn, of course, being our term for viruses.
So here’s my suggestion: why not mix it up a little bit? Rather than ruining my hard drive, make it more fun! For example:
- Instead of making a virus that attaches itself to every email you send out, make a virus that sends emails to the five branches of the U.S. Armed Forces enlisting the infected computer’s owner. That’s patriotic and a laugh riot.
- Instead of making a virus that effectively turns my computer into a comatose vegetable, make one that causes Steve (my computer) to become inherently evil.
- Make one that turns all of my icons into cute little sheep.
- Make an email virus that writes my parents daily telling them that I’m doing well and that I’m so proud of how they raised me.
Any of these suggestions would do, but please, whatever you do, at least attach a real picture of Anna next time.