If you’re like me, you’re always worried. For instance, a worry that is constantly running through my head is: “Are people looking at me?” and secondarily, “Is it because I’m underdressed?”
Now, there’s no way to know, is there? Yes, sure, if you’re going to a big fancy event with big, fancy invitations, then you might be given big, fancy directions as to how to dress. “Evening casual,” or “Black tie only,” or “If you wear jeans, there’s gonna be problems.”
But how many events do you go to with invitations? Well, if you’re like me (and we’ve established you are), not…a…lot.
So: what do you do?
What…do you…do?
I’ve found an easy solution:
Simply bring a top hat and cane with you everywhere you go.
That way, if you go to an event and discover you’re underdressed, just pop on your top hat, start twirling your cane, and you, my friend, are no longer underdressed. You’re just…dressed.
Alternatively, if you’re worried you’re going to be overdressed, wear the top hat and cane to the event, and if you feel too formal, simply pop off the hat, and pretend the cane is for a leg injury. Once again, you are now simply…dressed. Plus, you’ve got a leg injury, pal, which is a real conversation starter! (Additional tip: Say the injury’s from “the war.” If pressed as to which war, say you can’t remember the name, and how that’s a real shame, and steer the conversation toward how America’s school system doesn’t concentrate enough on history.)
So there it is, you need never worry people are looking at you because you’re underdressed. But if you’re like me (this means you), you still wonder: “Are people looking at me?”
Well, stop worrying, here’s The Answer: “Yes, Porter, they are looking at you. And it’s most likely because you are carrying around a top hat and cane, you big…fancy…jackass.”