Remember Baby Jessica? You know, that little baby that fell down a
well and
got stuck,
and it was like a really big deal for a week or so, and then they saved
her?
Probably more
than one baby has fallen down a well at some point, but Baby Jessica
was the
first, so,
you know, we all actually cared about her.
I wonder how Baby Jessica’s doin’, you know? I bet she’s changed a
little.
First of all, “Baby Jessica”‘s a really long name to have. Maybe she’s
abbreviated to, like,
“B.J.” or something. Or, it’s possible that she dropped the “Baby”
altogether and just
goes by “Jessica” now. You know, just one name. Like Cher. Very hip.
And I bet she never ever walks around now without a cell phone. I mean
because the
worst thing about falling in a well is that you’re just stuck there
forever,
and you know
you need help, right? But you just have to wait around for someone to
walk
near the
well, so you can flag ’em down. But now, I bet B.J. just has a cell
phone,
so as soon as
she falls down those wells (God forbid!), she can just call triple-A or
what-not and
immediately get a winch, or tow truck, or whatever well-getting-out-of
device is needed.
Plus, I bet it’s nice, while you’re at the bottom of a well waiting to
be
rescued, to be able
to call friends and tell them you’re gonna be late. Come to think of
it,
cell phone
technology seemed to make great advances pretty soon after the Baby
Jessica
incident.
Coincidence? I submit that it is not.
And I bet she has a sense of humor about the whole thing now that she’s
got
a little
distance from it. Like, I bet when friends ask her, “Hey, Baby
Jessica,
how’re you doing
today?” She’ll be all, “Oh, I dunno, pretty well, I
guess.”
Or they’ll be
like, “Hey, B.J., why do you love the hospital so much?” And she’ll
say,
“Because there
aren’t any well people there.” Or sometimes, someone
will
just show up
late to a birthday party or something, and she’ll just look at them and
say,
“Well, well, well, was someone
running
a bit late?” And everyone will laugh, you know, on account of because
how
she stressed
the word “well” so much. Oh, that girl. I bet she just loves jokes
like
that. Although
sometimes, I bet her friends will say something like, “I did really
good on
that driving
test, Baby Jessica.” And she’ll say, “Don’t you mean: you did really
well
on that test?” And there’ll be an awkward pause because her friends
won’t
know if she’s
making a funny pun joke about her childhood tragedy, or if she’s just
being
a dick about
correct grammar.
So, it’s not all roses and puppies for Baby Jessica, but I bet she’s
doing
OK. I sure hope
she is because I care about her. I really do. And why is that? Is it
because, as a helpless
child, she fell down a well and nearly died? Sure. But mainly it’s
because
she had the
presence of mind to do it first. And to do it
well.
(That last
one’s for you, B.J.!)