A small park in a city anywhere.
“Hey, Charlie.”
“Oh, hey, Frank, how’s tricks?”
“Can’t complain, Charlie, can’t complain. You still live over on 10th?”
“Yeah, in that little walkup. Thinkin’ ’bout movin’, though.”
“Oh yeah? Where to?”
“Out to the country, we-”
“No!”
“Yeah, out to the country; we’re thinkin’ ’bout buyin’ a little cottage maybe, nice big yard, all that.”
“Wow. Leave it all, huh?”
“Yeah, well, it’s just- it’s getting harder to stay here, with the rents always rising, and plus I could just use some space, you know, I’m gettin’ awful tired of sidewalks and concrete.”
“No, yeah, I hear that, I hear that…”
A pause.
“That Deborah girl still pickin’ up your crap?”
“Yeah, yeah, and that’s another thing: we move out to the country and she don’t have to pick up my crap anymore.”
“Who’d pick it up?”
“That’s the thing, I could just go crap out in the yard, and then no one picks it up, it’s just, you just leave it, like, uh, like fertilizer or whatever.”
“Fertilizer?”
“Yeah.”
“Hmm.”
“It’s nice, too, because then whenever I want to go crap, I just go, you know? I ju-”
“Don’t Deborah- she would still take you out there?”
“Nah, nah, see, I could just run out side, open the door myself.”
“Open the door? How would-”
“It’s not the real door, like this small door, and then I push it open, and I go and crap.”
“Wow.”
“Yeah, it’s real nice, you oughta look into it.”
“Well, I don’t kno- you know, Chris is pretty happy here, he’s lived here all his life, he’s found a job he really likes, and h-”
“He could find a job out there, too, Frank.”
“Oh, Charlie, I suppose, but it’s not my decision to-”
“Frankie.”
“I know , Charlie, I know, but look, be realistic, I’ve never-”
“Exactly, you never, you never, you’ve never taken charge of that relationship.”
“Oh, now, I don’t…”
“You still have scheduled pee and crap times?”
“Well, it’s somewhat flexible, Charlie, a,a,a,and I don’t need to-”
“That’s what I’m talking about, it starts with scheduled pee and crap times, and then next thing you know, they, they’ve got you sitting on command and rolling over, all that shit, and then where are you?”
“Now, Charlie, it’s not-”
“Where are you?”
“Charlie, don’t over-”
“I’ll tell you where you are, you’re neutered with a bow around your neck, peeing and crapping on command and stuck in a cage all day while he’s out meeting women, that’s where you are! I’ve seen it happen, Frank, I’ve seen it happen…”
“Look, Charlie, it’s… and not to make excuses, but it’s… he doesn’t control me, OK? It’s not a control thing, but we… we work together, OK? We have found a way to work together, and it works, you know? It works. he still picks up my crap, right? Am I right?”
“Yeah, he does, but you’re missing the big picture, you’re missing-”
“No, I know, Charlie, but look: I’m happy here, and the schedule, it does me fine, I even enjoy it, it’s nice to have a, have a schedule, you know? And as much as I appreciate the, uh, the concern, I know where I am with this guy, and I’m, uh, I’m still on top? You know?”
“All right, Frank, well, I’m not-”
Laughing. “What’re y- you’re always trying to cause trouble, Charlie, you…”
“No, I’m not, you know, trying to tell you how to live your life, but-”
“No!”
“No, I’m not, really, no… I’m not. But just… you know, be aware of it, of all this, you know. Just… I’ve seen it happen, right? I’ve seen it happen, so, so… so be aware…. OK?”
“OK, Charlie, OK…”
Another pause. Frank and Charlie look around the park.
“Say Frank, mind if I sniff your ass?”
“No, knock yourself out.”
Charlie sniffs Frank’s ass.
“OK… OK.”
A third and final pause.
“Well, Frank, I just saw a squirrel over there in that bush, I’m gonna go check it out, maybe do some barking. You want to…?”
“Nah, nah, we’re heading outta here soon, I gotta get over to the grocery store and get some more dry food, this chopped lamb canned mess just runs through me.”
“Oh, tell me about it… well, anyhow, sniff, sniff, sniff, bark.”
“Bark sniff.”
Exuent Frank and Charlie.