In a recent journey back to Chicago I took a fascinating array of transportation forms. By the time I had reached my doorstep I had used a subway, a bus, a plane, a train, and a car, all in the span of about five hours. This prompted me to realize that there is one undeniable fact about travel; you will always be different after traveling than you were before. Here’s how:
• You will be dirtier, some part of your body will hurt, and you will experience a localized stickiness in a way you never knew one could be sticky.
• You will have a newfound distaste for a particular gender/race/age/accent/etc.
• You will be convinced that you can operate at least one mode of transportation better than someone who is licensed to do so.
• You will be acclimated to the smell of your own rectum.
• Your wallet will be lighter, if it has not been totally stolen.
• You will have realized that at least one of your articles of clothing is itchier or tighter than you ever had realized. You will want to throw it out, but will end up putting it in a discrete location where you keep clothes that you hate and never wear, but do not get rid of.
That’s it, anything else must just happen to you, but these are laws like gravity and the Code of Hammurabi. The bottom line, unless you want to experience a mysterious stickiness unbeknownst to the likes of most men, do not leave your home. Order groceries from a delivery service, get a great cable package and wrap your poetry up in small bundles stored in your dresser. Who knows, maybe someday you’ll look like Sean Connery.