A few reasons why my brain will soon begin to melt and ooze out my earholes:
- There is no way in the world that anyone would possibly need to get in touch with me 24 hours a day, yet I own a cell phone.
- When my car tells me it’s time to be serviced (i.e. when a car made by Toyota tells me it should be taken to a Toyota dealership so that a Toyota mechanic can glance at my Toyota, tell me that my Toyota is running fine, and then charge me $200) I take it to get serviced immediately.
- I become excited when a “Wassup!” commerical that I haven’t seen before comes on TV.
- When a referee makes a close call in a sporting event, and then I see a replay of a camera that captured the event from one angle that appears to go against the refs call, I taut the ref as “a grade-A moron” and procede to talk about his eyesight using deragatory language.
- When my computer actually works correctly (0.00001% of the time), I am thankful to the point of religious fervor that God has created such wonderful machines. When it screws up (99.99999% of the time), I assume it to be my fault.
- If a product claims to contain “50% more” of an element that I never even could tell was there in the first place (“Now with 50% more glutamic cellophane!”), I will buy that product despite having no idea what the element is or why I want 50% more of it.
- When I’m at a crosswalk, I rarely look both ways before crossing the street. I instead stare vacantly at the “WALK/DON’T WALK” sign until it switches, and then blindly step into traffic.
- I have ordered Coors Light at a bar. Which means I have paid about $3.50 for a glass of Coors Light.
- I like the show “Everybody Loves Raymond” (which is not the bad thing here at all). I do not like the other shows on Monday in primetime on CBS. But I watch them. Because I know “Everybody Loves Raymond” is on that night on CBS. I have no idea why I do this. I will do this again next Monday.
- If I need to hear from my friend by 7:30pm, and I get a message from my friend, and the voicemail fairy says it was received at 7:45pm, but my friend says he called before 7:30pm, I will call my friend a liar and procede to talk about his punctuality using deragatory language.
- There are some items that the only place I know where to buy them is Walmart.
- If a product claims to be “50% more effective”, I buy it without questioning what it’s 50% more effective than or even how the effectiveness is being measured.
- I pay bank fees without questioning them. That is, I pay people to take all my money away. I also pay ATM fees. Which means when I actually want to get my money back, I have to pay even more.
- The “Almond Joy” song (“Sometimes you feel like a nut/sometimes you don’t/Almond Joy’s got nuts/Mounds don’t/becaaaaaauuuuuuse….”) was in my head for quite some time last Satruday.
- Though I own none of their albums, rarely listen to the radio, and don’t have MTV, I can somehow tell the difference between Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Jessica Simpson, and Mandy Moore.
- If spellcheck changes a word, I do not question it. Microsoft Word could tell me that “labrador” was spelled with a “qz”. I would believe it.
- If it’s 4:30am, and I come to a red light in the middle of nowhere with no cars in sight, and I haven’t seen a car in miles, and the other road is a small one that looks hardly trafficked at all, and there’s no cops around at all, and I can clearly see that there’s no reason to stop at all, I stop.
- I paid $10.00 to see “Pearl Harbor.”
Look, it’s too late for me, people. But if you recognize any of these symptoms in yourself, get help now. If you’d like to know where to find said help, you can call me on my cell phone any hour of the day, and I’ll help you. Unless you interrupt my second viewing of “Pearl Harbor”, or a “Wassup!” commercial, or “Becker” (which is on after “Raymond”). For then I will procede talk about your poor timing. And, yes, I may use deraqzatory language.