Summer. It’s a time to be reckless. A time to be free. A time to endanger yourself and others. And nothing screams “reckless, free, and dangerous” like a roadtrip.
There’s something special about a roadtrip. You’re out there on the highways, wind ripping through your hair. There’s something that’s very distinctly American. Maybe it’s just that fact that all the road signs are in English and refer to American places…but maybe it’s more than that.
Anyway, it’s important you do things right on your roadtrip. And to help people to this end, I have compiled the following list:
Things To Remember When Going On a Roadtrip
- Make good time. No one likes anyone who’s ever late ever. So assure that your trip is as efficient as possible. Cut corners. Find the fastest route possible. Stop as few times as necessary. Eat on the run. Name names. And dear Lord, don’t sleep. You can be tired later, pal. Right now, you’ve gotta play with pain. Don’t think you can make it? Don’t worry: this is why God made coffee…and heroin.
- Never pick up hitchhikers. OK, this one is no surprise. Drifters are trouble. We’ve all seen The Hitchhiker. We’ve all read On the Road. They’ll either kill you or go on and on about Jazz, so just leave ’em be. Better safe than sorry.
- Demand that the trip have a detailed itinerary, but refuse to make one up yourself. A good way to do this is to say very gruffly, “Will someone tell me where the hell we’re going?” And then when asked what you want to do, reply, “I don’t care, I just want someone to tell me what the hell is going on!” Become very frustrated and irritated. Grasp the steering wheel with white knuckles. Be tough about this: just because the whole trip was your idea doesn’t mean you should ever be forced to make the slightest decision.
- Comment as often as possible on the fact that you’re making good time. Hey, you worked hard to get to the top, so let others know about it. Especially those at the gas stations and restaurants at which you stop. They’d love nothing more than to hear how you avoided the Knoxville rush hour by taking the 40 bypass. They all live vicariously through your driving prowess. It makes their pointless little lives bearable.
- Never pick up hitchhikers unless they are extremely attractive. OK, I’ve modified this rule slightly from above. Now, yes, I know, it is potentially dangerous to pick up a drifter. But I’ve been thinking here, and there’s a lot of porn made involving sex with hitchhikers (both male and female). Now, I don’t know if this means there’s a good chance this stuff happens in real life, but…well, better safe than sorry. I mean, come on, you’ll be kicking yourself later when you see Road Vixens XII on Cinemax and all you can think is, “What if…?” And let’s be honest here: you will see Road Vixens XII on Cinemax.
- Buy souvenir items by the truckload. Look, your friends are jerks. You’ll come back from your trip, all psyched about all the cool stuff you saw, the hot drifters you had sex with, and the great time you made, and your friends won’t believe you. I know, I know, they’re just jealous little bastards, but they’re your friends so don’t come crying to me. The way to counteract this is to buy souvenirs from the places you travel to. Go ahead and let your friends try to say you never visited Zzzyzx, California…then flash that collectible spoon in their face and say, “What up now, fools!” Or let The Moment speak for itself. Be prepared: sometimes The Moment says rather inappropriate things.
- Take the right turn when you get to Albuquerque. People forget this all the time, and I can’t tell you how angry it makes me. So I won’t.
- Pick up all hitchhikers. OK, modified again. I just…well, this porn possibility is really getting me thinking…and I just watched Road Vixens IV, the strongest of the series in my opinion, and, well…look just pick ’em all up.
That’s it! You’re ready to have a great trip! You’re ready to seize the day! You’re ready to head out on the open road and breathe deeply of that which is truly Americana! And you’re ready to have unprotected sex with vagrants! Cheers!