D’you ever read any of those “Choose Your Own Adventure” books when you were younger? They were the ones that would stop in the story and if you wanted to go in one direction you turn to a certain page, or a different direction another page. So if you want to go left down the path, you turn to page 45, or if you want Billy to flog the goat he finds in the pudding, you turn to page 87. Stuff like that. I’ve been checking it out, and I’m pretty sure that the Bible is just one big “Choose Your Own Adventure” book.
Think about it. You get to the end of the Old Testament, and it basically says, “If you want to see the messiah, turn to the next page. For Judaism stop, put down the book, and go light some candles.” Christianity is nothing more than the choice you make to keep reading. That’s why there are more Christians then Jews, because you want to get your money’s worth, so you naturally come up with the path that lets you read more. Didn’t you do that? You get stuck or the story ends, so you go back and try the options out again so you can make the story longer. There are some other choices to check out in the Bible too. “For Islam, curse everything you have read and find the nearest mosque. For Mormonism, go to the end of the book and read backwards.”
The Bible has all sorts of interesting stuff in it, like Levitical laws. You want a fun time? Get wasted and read that shit. There are laws in the Bible for things that you did not know existed. It tells you how to treat sores and discharge, who you can screw, even what you can eat. There is a whole section devoted to telling you which birds you can eat. The Ten Commandments are about a page, what birds you can eat is an entire section. Did you know that you are not supposed to eat osprey, owl, eagle, vulture, kite, stork, or hoopoe? Hoopoe?!? If only I had known earlier in life that it was a sin to throw down on some hoopoe. All my childhood memories are marred. We used to sit around the kitchen on Friday afternoons, drinking Tang and talking about life while momma Shake-n-Baked some hoopoe. It was a house of sin apparently. I won’t talk about all the forbidden blood we drank.
Leviticus 18:22 says, “No man shall lie with another man as with a woman; such a thing is an abomination.” All the homophobic people just went, “Which passage? Let me get that down…” Yes, in that one spot it says that it is an abomination, some Bibles say it is an “abhorrence.” You all ever read the Good News Bible? Good news!!!…it’s a Bible. The Good News Bible is the propaganda, dumbed down, let-me-give-it-to-you-straight Bible. You know what it says there? Leviticus 18:22 says (let me wait well you all write that down), “No man shall lie with a man as with a woman; God hates that.” God hates that?!?! Good News is kickin’ it to you straight! Some people look at the Bible as a starting point for religious and spiritual inquiry. Good News is like, BAM, all up in your jackson with the answers. Other Bibles are like your mother and Good News is like your dad. You ask your mom if you can borrow the car and she says she’s not sure. So you ask dad and he smacks you, “Hell no boy, you ain’t borrowing shit.” Good news!
When I read the Choose Your Own Adventure Bible do you know what I always choose? Heaven. I just skip all the Hell and jump right to the salvation parts. That makes it a feel-good read. That’s beach reading. The only problem is that I’m Jewish, so I wasn’t even supposed to read that part. Oh well. I was just trying to get my money’s worth.