I live in a house built in the 1920’s. On the second floor to be exact. I also used to collect pennies. Then the warped corner of my closet where my penny bucket resided gave through.
Now my dog won’t come inside, and I can see into our basement.
This, of course, got me thinking: What use is the penny in today’s society? First of all, the thing has barely any copper in it anymore, so using it to barter in the event of anarchy is of no use. On the other hand, you could melt down your zinc Lincolns and sell them to Centrum. In all honesty, though, what’s the use of these little grommets? What can you buy for a cent today? Even a better question: what the heck can you buy for four cents today? Nothin. Not even a stick of Bazooka Joe.
In the ‘Old Days,’ these things had some kick. Had a penny? Mail a letter; go to the arcade; buy some food; pay someone for their thoughts.
What’s to be done? America, I have the answer. Two actually, but they’d both work. Idea 1: Abolish the penny. Think about it. Never buying something that cost $455,999.99 again. No. Not without a penny. Yes, the ease of paying in increments of five will return to our nation. The utilitarian value of this is mind-boggling. But what’s better than this is… Idea 2: Idea two involves a one-time national holiday, “National Divide by 5 and Round Down Day.” This idea was spawned from the original Idea 2: “National Divide by 5 Day” which my anal retentive roommate pointed out wouldn’t work too well. But think about it. Prices everywhere instantly slashed. Once more could your penny hold value. And all of those collect call commercials would be scrapped. Phone calls for 10 cents a minute? Try 2! HAHA!!
Unfortunately, my brilliance has gone unrecognized by the “Powers That Be.” Many blame this on the fact that they have the powerful claim of “being” neatly tucked into their name, and I therefore have little chance to compete with a force that boasts of its own existence (much like Yahweh, who could also probably beat me in a fight). Others claim the dependent clause at the end of the previous sentence was wordy and trite.
Bastards.