So I’m at my grandmother’s house the other day, and I see this plastic covering over all the furniture. I sit down, and it instantly heats up, crinkling and crunching with my each movement, reminding me that I’m not even close to the actual upholstery. "Grandma, why is there all this plastic over the furniture? And isn’t it dangerous to wrap your oven and lamps in plastic as well?" I asked inquisitively, but with an air of pensivity. She slowly rolled on over, ’cause she was just chillin’ and all, and sat down gently next to me. We talked for hours, about life, love, cookies, and bunny rabbits, but mostly we talked about hard core furniture sex.
I didn’t realize that like every feisty 17 year-old, when the parents leave, furniture gets its freak on. She told me that one time she left to go to the flea market, not thinking that she left the recliner and couch in the same room. Well nine months later there was a love seat, and it was time for a change. So she invested in numerous furniture condoms to wrap over everything in her house. That way she wouldn’t be burdened by having all the extra illegitimate furniture babies.
Grandma explained that during the 80’s, many of her friends had to go on welfare to support all the extra furniture offspring, and that it got so bad that they had to have button and upholstery stamps just to make ends meet. I’m glad my grandmother was smart enough to get furniture condoms so that she won’t have to take care of unexpected furniture. It reminds me of that time that my parents had me by accident, and then ran off to Guam to try to sell Bosom Buddies Swatches. Grandma took care of me, and she shouldn’t have to do it again, even though I do occasionally collect the random change that falls out of people’s pockets.
The great thing about all these furniture condoms is that there are so many different kinds that your house always has a new look. Right now the couch is red, the recliner has ridges all over it, and half of the bedroom is edible. If I’ve been really good, my grandmother covers my bed in one of the sheep skin furniture condoms, even though they’re not very reliable (but don’t tell the night stand it wasn’t expected).
It’s nice to know that science is looking out for all of us, even the furniture. Grandma says she’ll keep putting condoms on all the furniture, but that if she finds one more video of wicker on wicker patio furniture porn left in the VCR, she’s gonna go postal.