So I’ve got this friend, Pat. He’s an anarchist… yeah they have friends too. He goes around and writes stuff in random places with chalk, like, “Kill the cop in your head” and “Come on, you know capitalism is bullshit.” People read what he writes, or listen to what he has to say and they think, “Wow, I really hate the system. I’m going to burn my own car.”
It’s clear that he is a social reformer who will one day singlehandedly bring down the American government as we know it. So the other day Pat’s doing his thing, eating gummy worms and stuff, and riding his bicycle. I see him coming toward me and I’m all, “Hey, Pat’s wearing a bike helmet.” He rode past me, not saying “hi” because that would be conformist, and I thought about what I had just seen. Suddenly I lost all faith in my friend, how the hell is he going to challenge “the man” wearing a bike helmet? I mean, wouldn’t any real anarchist think that it’s the natural right of the ground to be able to crack open someone’s head if he or she were to take a dive over the handlebars?
If I were an anarchist I would be much more open to personal physical harm. Why should I care if I’m an anarchist. I’d be like, “Yo kidneys, fuck you!” for no reason at all, just because I shouldn’t have to conform to using my kidneys. I’d go on dialysis just because I wouldn’t want to let my kidneys control me. I would burn all my furniture, because if you start giving in to furniture, it will own you. Own you! Next thing you know you’re running to your bed every single night, just because you feel like you have to. You my friend would be a patsy. And if I were an anarchist, I damn well would not wear a bike helmet, because that would just be weak.
Oh, and bike helmets also make you look like a little girl.